Wevv's Insanity Return

Wevv's Insanity Return was a promo written by Wevv Mang on Novemer 2, 2008. It was re-posted on of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The LPW Years on March 30, 2010.

Promo
  ''The lights dim in the arena, and a soft burgundy hue replaces the glaring lights.

''Gentle piano music emerges from the speakers. A buzz starts to sweep through the crowd as they recognize the song, but don’t know what it means. Then, a voice joins the piano:

 You know I'm a dreamer But my heart's of gold I had to run away high So I wouldn't come home low Just when things went right Doesn't mean they're always wrong Just take this song and you'll never feel Left all alone

 Take me to your heart Feel me in your bones Just one more night And I'm comin' off this Long & winding road

''The lights blare up, as the chorus plays:

 I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home!

''The lights dim down to normal levels, except at the top of the ramp, where they glare blindingly from the tunnel. Yet, two figures are outlined, though they can't be seen, except as patches of darkness. The crowd finally has an idea of who the people are, and they come to their feet, cheering.

 Tonight, tonight I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home!

''One figure raises his arms out in an embracing gesture. The figures then take a step out of the tunnel, and the light fades away. Wevv Mang and Mr. Wang start to walk down the ramp to the ring, as the crowd goes nuts.

 You know that I've seen Too many romantic dreams Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen

''Wevv walks slowly down the ramp, waving at the fans, but carefully keeping out of reach of them. As he reaches the bottom of the ramp, he puts his hand over his heart, and mouths the words to the song.

 My heart's like an open book For the whole world to read Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

''Wevv starts to laugh and head for the ring steps. As he slowly walks up the steps, doing a Ric Flair strut in time to the music.

 I’m on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home

''Wevv, in time to the music, gets into the ring, with Mr. Wang right behind him. Wevv tilts his head back and pretends to sing:

 Tonight, tonight I'm on my way Just set me free

 Home Sweet Home Home Sweet Home Home Sweet Home Home Sweet Home

''Wevv holds up his hands in front of him, as if praying to God. He then bows to the audience, as they give him a rousing standing ovation. He straightens up

 Home Sweet Home Home Sweet Home Home Sweet Home Home Sweet Home

''The song starts to fade out, and Kenzo hands Wevv a microphone. The crowd is still on their feet, cheering, but now that the music is gone, the cheers are turning to boos. Wevv raises the mic to his mouth and speaks.

Wevv: INSANITY! HELLO AGAIN! WEVV MANG….HAS COME… HOME!

''The crowd can't help but cheer at this. Wevv slowly turns, speaking to each section.

Wevv: Did you really think that I would abandon you in your hour of greatest need?!?

Wevv: Did you think that I would sit back and watch this show, this very company, try to throw itself into the garbage heap? NO!

''Wevv turns to face the camera positions.

Wevv: Wevv Mang, has returned!

''The crowd boos. Wevv ignores them and puts his head down and starts to pace the ring, while holding up one hand.

Wevv: I know, I know. In these troubling times, you need the reassuring presence of a proven individual. And I say unto you, you have nothing to fear. I’m sure you’ve read in the dirtsheets, on the internet, all about the financial woes that are besieging this company. For those of you over the age of 18, I’m sure you dismissed these rumors are just that. Until you started reading about it in, shall we say, more proven resources, that indeed, the LPW is facing a crisis. It was probably then that you realized that this…really…could..be it. Lords Of Pain Wrestling, the company you have loved and supported all these years, could vanish off the face of the earth. The supestars that you cheered for, rooted for, raged against, prayed would loose, would never again grace your television set. Never again would you get that feeling of excitement, that thrill of victory, as you purchased tickets to see your heroes in action! LPW would simply..cease…to..exist. Another casualty of a cruel and unpredictable economy.

''Wevv stops in the ring. He shakes his head, and the crowd stays silent, intent on his words. Wevv finally raises his head. Just enough to smirk over the top of the microphone and his eyes twinkle with mischief. He slowly speaks.

Wevv: In a last ditch effort, perhaps, to save this company from the black abyss, a draft was help. Name after name was picked, and I’m sure you, the intelligent fans, felt the creeping fingers of fear rise up to strangle you, as my contract situation grew worse by the second. The man you knew, KNEW, could save this sinking ship, was about to be shown the door.

Wevv: But no. This is a NEW ERA people! And Wevv was shuffled off to the brand to lament in obscurity!

''Wevv pauses. He wipes his mouth. In the silence, except for a growing restlessness, a fan at ringside suddenly yells out loud enough to be heard on Wevv’s mic, and thus, to the millions and millions of fans at home.

Fan: What's the Plan, Wevv?!?

''The crowd cheers the fan, though some catcalls ring out. Wevv stares at the fan, and then raises the mic and walks over to the ropes.

Wevv: You there. You know this man? Do me a favor and slap him for me?

''The fan’s friend, who had been sitting next to him, rears back, but mockingly bitch slaps his friend. The crowd cheers.

Wevv: Thank you. YES! Of course I have a plan! Just like I did those many years ago when I ran this show! THAT you can count on! THAT and the fact that I apparently, shockingly, know something that this…new form of management apparently doesn’t. You see, there is a truth to be told.

Wevv: Many years ago, when I rose to power, when I SAVED this company, I learned a valuable lesson! Always prepare for a rainy day, and friends, it’s not just raining, it’s a hurricane. BUT! I am no novice to the ways of Wall Street, so I hedged my bet, HA HA! While the Board scoffed at me, I insisted in setting money aside in a balanced portfolio, one that hedged against a downturn in the market. And THAT fund is what is keeping this company afloat. No need to thank me, LPW. It was my duty. However, a thank you would be nice.

Wevv: Do I expect one? Of course not. No, this, this is my thank you. Sent to the bottom of the barrel, to the refuse heap of LPW, to spend my time watching over my shoulder, wondering what psychopathic lunatic will try to gouge out my eyes with a spork because I looked at his girlfriend, Lampy, the wrong way. Insanity. Under the rule of a Demented Tart, and her Monstrous Friend. Yes, thank you LPW management. Thank you very much. You rat bastards.

Wevv: So this looks the end of the road, eh? All out of options. Stay here, in the looney bin, with the werewolves, freaks, mongoloids, and demented deviants or…walk away. Take my money, my power, my glory and go home. THOSE are my choices eh? What to do? What to do?

''Wevv rubs his chin. The crowd starts to cheer and boo, unable to make up their minds. Finally, Wevv shrugs his shoulders, lowers the mic. He then raises it again.

Wevv: Well, it seems I really have no choice.

''Wevv reaches into his jacket and pulls out a large sheaf of papers.

Wevv: Since I just signed this very, very lucrative contract, for so much money that really, I would have to be INSANE to walk away from it, and since I assure you, my sanity is sound, I guess I’ll just have to stay!

''The crowd goes nuts. Wevv basks in the cheers and scattered boos. He then walks over to the ropes and leans towards the cameras.

Wevv: I told you Insanity, that I would not leave you in your darkest hour! I am going to be around for a long, long time! HOWEVER!

Wevv: HOWEVER! To those thank think that this little gesture is going to appeal to my magnanimous nature, think again! This latest incident, in a LOOONG LINE of incidents, has left me feeling out of sorts, to say the least. So, if you think putting me back on this show will revive a sense of nostalgia, and that I will, once again, BAIL OUT this company, you are sorely mistaken!

Wevv: This is the dawning of a new era, one in which I, Wevv Mang, is perfectly willing to sit back and watch this company crumble! And get paid to do so! Welcome to the dawn of a new era! One in which I will watch out for the most important thing on this brand! MY.. PERSONAL.. WELL.. BEING! I –

''The sound of 50 Cents “ I Get Money” emerges from Wevv’s coat pocket. Wevv fumbles and pulls out his iPhone.

Wevv: Excuse me.

''Wevv touches the screen and then another sound is heard.

Phone: You Got Paid!

Wevv: Splendid! Where was I? Ah, forget about it! I feel like blowing some of this filthy lucre, what say you Kenzo?

''Kenzo nods, and claps his hands, as the crowd starts to turn on Wevv.

Wevv: But not in this podunk town! Let’s fire up the jet and head to Acapulco! So long San Antonio! You and LPW can kiss my ass! This could be the easiest fifty grand I ever made! I got a golden ticket…out of here! God… Bless … Capitalism!

''Yngwie Malmsteen’s “Amberdawn” fires up over the PA system. The fans are booing loudly and debris starts to rain down in the ring. Wevv Mang and Kenzo are smiling, but hurrying out of the ring, and up the ramp, laughing as they go. At the top, they turn to wave to the crowd, but then flip them off before heading back into the gorilla position.