Christian Parkes

Christian Parkes is a businessman, actor, former American football player and e-wrestler, who currently performs for Lords of Pain Wrestling (LPW) on its Pyromania brand. Parkes debuted at Pyromania 19.1, attacking the injured Matt Clark backstage.

Early life
Parkes is hailed as a five star athlete noted for his big potential and even bigger attitude complex, and agent Paul Hammond is the most recent man willing to take him on in an attempt to cash in on the prospect.

Debut and rookie months
Parkes was signed during September 2011, alongside his agent manager. He debut backstage at Pyromania 19.1, attacking the injured Prophecy of Violence member Matt Clark with a steel pipe. In his debut match at Vertigo 3.2, he competed against 7 Pyromania wrestlers, including Tromboner Man, in a match for TBM's LPW International Heavyweight Championship. Parkes was last to be eliminated, after Cripsy and TBM landed on top of him for the win.

He was then put in a match with fellow rookie Kaiser Teiwaz (which previously included Seth Omega until he was banned from the arena) at Vertigo 3.3, where he defeated him after hitting The Messenger, with help from Hammond. Parkes was scheduled to compete in Damion Kross' Redemption match at All-Stars, but suffered a minor shoulder injury at a house show in Turkey, which prevented him from competing. He did, however, attend the event, as he interuptted an interview by cutting off the camera from the A/V room, and playing an anti-Dynamo campaign advertisement, promoting his crusade "We Hate Dick Dynamo".

At Redemption, parkes competed against 30 other Pyromania and Insanity wrestlers in the Redemption Rumble, with the winner facing the LPW International Heavyweight Championship at Blistering Inferno. Parkes entered at number #, and immediatly eliminated Dynamo. As furious Dynamo re-entered the match and eliminated Parkes, before hitting a Dragon Meteor Press to the outside, right before the break buzzer.

Parkes was awarded a LPW Pure Wrestling Championship match against champion Daniel Purser at Pyromania 20.1. Towards the end of his match, Dynamo made a distraction, letting Purser pick up the win. Backstage after the television debut loss, fill-in backstage announcer DeSean J. Connery approached Parkes for his thoughts on his loss. Parkes claimed that losing was "all part of his plan", before debuting his own peak achievement, the Immortal's Cup, his own equivalent to the Martinez Cup. Later in the show, he interfered in Dynamo's LPW Western States Heritage Championship match against Styxx, striking him with the cup behind the referee's back. Before any more damage could be made, Damion Kross, on behalf of the new Pyromania General Manager (revealed to be cYnical) ordered a "no contact" rule, where neither men could not make physical contact between Pyromania 20.1 and LPW Blistering Inferno, where the two will compete against eachother. If either failed to obey the rule, both would be suspended indefinitely.

cYnical, in a memo to all Pyromania competitors, announced that both Dynamo and Parkes would compete in a set of Pick Your Poison matches, with Dynamo choosing for LPW Western States Heritage Champion Styxx, and Parkes choosing the captain of Pyromania's lower card team Mr. Golden. Parkes narrowly lost to Styxx after he escaped The Key to Immortality and hit the Terror Cutter. Parkes' night was not over, however, as, after Golden defeated Dynamo, was announced as one of Golden's team members for Altered Reality 6. As Parkes entered the ring to brag in front of a broken Dynamo, Golden refused to do so, and lectured Parkes, before leaving the ring.

In wrestling

 * Finishing moves
 * The Key to Immortality / Torture Trap (Tazzmission)
 * Gift from the Heavens / The Messenger (Sitout side slam spinebuster)
 * Divine Intervention / Goodbye, Goodnight (Fireman's carry spun into a cutter, preceded by spinning the opponent)
 * Favorite moves
 * Three point stance spear
 * Three point stance clothesline
 * Short arm clothesline
 * Reverse STO into a Koji Clutch
 * Shoulder tackle
 * Ankle lock
 * Various suplex variants (exploder, capture, belly-to-belly, exploder)
 * Multiple turnbuckle thrusts
 * Ground holds
 * Knee strikes
 * Various kick variants


 * Will
 * Use his moveset strategically. His mixed martial arts background has given him the technical advantage, and will use there more technical moves, such as various suplexes, and big hit moves, such as a knee strikes and enziguris, to weaken in the opponent.
 * Commentate, compare, and contrast himself and whomever he's feuding with.
 * Be cowardly. If there’s a way out, he’ll do it. He would not intentionally get himself counted-out or intentionally disqualified, unless he will benefit from it. He will often use Hammond as a distraction during matches.
 * Be cocky when he has a considerable advantage. Taunting his opponent and various front-row attendance is a certainty.
 * Use rest holds to slow the match down to a banging, bashing pace.
 * Use weapons creatively. When using larger weapons, such as ladders and tables, he will use them in ways that will hurt him the least.
 * Use his money, fame and intelligence to fuel his ego. When around other wrestlers, he will be arrogant, using his intellect to put them down. When around female wrestlers and employees, he will reference his worldwide fame, and the expensive objects that he has, mixed in with intelligent pick-up lines.
 * Wear a suit at every opportunity. The hours leading up before a match, he will wear his suit, no matter what the situation is. Very shortly before he is due to compete, he will change into his custom ring gear.


 * Won't
 * Cheat blatantly. Although he is one of the more muscular and athletic members of the roster, he would rather outsmart his opponent than take them on directly.
 * Swear on purpose. If and when he does, he uses his sizeable vocabulary to cover up his profanity.


 * Nicknames
 * The Best Athlete The World Has Ever Seen
 * God's Gift to The People
 * The Modern Jesus Christ
 * The All-Round Superstar
 * The God of Immortality
 * Your New King


 * Managers
 * Paul Hammond (Lords of Pain Wrestling debut to current)


 * Theme Music
 * "Pop Bottles" by Birdman feat. Lil Wayne (Used from Lords of Pain Wrestling debut to current)


 * Entrance
 * Gold pyro rains down from above as white strobe lights pulsate to Lil Wayne’s rhymes. Parkes gradually makes his entrance, with a white towel resting over his right shoulder. A suited Hammond follows him on the opposite side of the ramp, Parkes attempts to shake hands with the people in the crowd, with various propaganda material spilling from his mouth. As he reaches the ring apron, he walks up the steel steps and alongside the ropes, as Hammond lowers the middle rope for his client to access.

Championships and accomplishments

 * Lords of Pain Wrestling
 * Immortal's Cup (first; current)
 * Nominated for 2011 Rookie of the Year
 * Nominated for 2011 Trash Talker of the Year


 * Football career
 * Southeastern Conference Offensive Player of the Week (4 times in 2006, 5 times in 2007, 4 times in 2008)
 * Southeastern Conference Offensive Player of the Year (2006, 2007, 2008)
 * Heisman Trophy winner (2006, 2007, 2008)
 * Sports Illustrated College Football Player of the Decade
 * Pepsi NFL Rookie of the Week - Weeks 1 and 7 (2009)
 * 21st pick for Philadelphia Eagles at the 2009 NFL Draft

Match history

 * &dagger; Promo score is a rating which ranges from 0.0 to 5.0, the latter being the highest. Promos are judged to determine the better promo between e-wrestling competitors.