NPD promo (Baltimore)

NPD promo (Baltimore) was an e-wrestling promo written by NPD on October 27, 2009 for a Legends match against X at the Insanity LIVE from Baltimore.

The promo scored a 3.79 aps.

Promo
  Animal noises are heard as the scene begins, sounds of a gorilla and lion are rumbling throughout the dark area, we appear we are at a zoo during the night. Whistling and the swoosh of pants are rustled as a security guard flashes a flashlight toward the giraffe area.*

Security Guard: Hey, look it here, giraffey giraffe. Everything clear and normal over here?

The security guard laughs as he continues his routine check up on the animals. He steps in front of the elephant area.*

Security Guard: What the fuck is that?

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Another scene begins with a little boy walking with his mother, holding her hand, and appears to be a gas station. The boy sips his Capri Sun drink and looks across the street to a sight that widens the boys eyes, exciting him.*

Little Boy: Mommy, can we go to the zoo please?

Mother: No, not today at least, we have to leave now.

Little Boy: But mommy, there are sharks, monkeys, birds, look, their all on the painting!

Mother: Now...

The mother forcefully grabs the boy's hand and puts him inside of the car, they drive off a few seconds later.*

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A third scene starts with four teenagers walking the streets in Halloween costumes. Two of the males are in Batman and Robin costumes and the two females are wearing a Chick-Fil-A cow costume and a Nintendo Wii controller costume. They approach a house and stop.*

Robin: You guys ready?

Nintendo Wii: I don't know if we should do this.

Batman: Uhh, you think we came all the way out here, to just pussy out now?

Chick-Fil-A Cow: Let's just get it over with. Fuck.

The four teens walk to the doorway and knock on the door. The three of them are laughing, while the Nintendo Wii girl is biting her nails, nervous. The door opens and a man greets them.*

Four Teens (in synch): Trick or treat!

Man: Oh, hey kids, I like that Nintendo Wii costume, my little boy wants one of those, but their so damned expensive.

The man puts candy inside their bags.*

Man: Have a good night kids.

Robin: Hey fucker.

Man: Excuse me?

Batman pulls a brown bag out of his halloween bag and puts it next to the man's foot in the doorway.*

Man: Now, what in the hell is going on he...

The man cannot finish his sentence as Chick-Fil-A cow presses a button, a small explosion occurs as the bag explodes, piles of dog shit fly all over the man's house and legs, body, face. The three teens laugh, Nintendo Wii shows her concern. She walks closer, saddened, looking like she will do something to attempt to help him.*

Nintendo Wii: I'll help you.

Chick-Fil-A Cow: Don't screw us over, finish it.

Batman: Fuckin' A.

Robin: Do it now!

The man is shocked as Nintendo Wii pulls out another brown bag, and opens it up, flies are released as they go all over the man's body and inside of his house due to the dog shit smell.*

Nintendo Wii: I'm sor...

Robin pulls her and the four of them run away laughing.*

Man: What the fuck!

The man walks inside of his house and grabs a baseball bat, he walks outside looking to where the kids went, he cannot locate them.*

Man: Find those kids somebody! Fuckers... kill 'em.

The man is enraged as he goes inside of his house and he slams the door shut.*

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The little boy is inside of his mother's car in the backseat, pouting.*

Little Boy: This sucks.

Mother: Stop it.

Little Boy: I want to go to the zoo!

Mother: You'll never go to the zoo if you continue acting this way.

Little Boy: Tomorrow's Halloween though, we can't go tomorrow. I hate Halloween, I wish it was Christmas. I already have my Christmas list ready.

Mother: Give it to your father.

Little Boy: I hate you. I wish you were...

Mumbles the rest.*

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Robin: Did you see the look on that fuck's face?

Batman: We shitted his night up!

Nintendo Wii: Guys, we did something so wrong, he didn't deserve that.

Chick-Fil-A Cow: Fuck him.

Batman: We're so cool.

Robin: Boo-yah! Stu Scott represent!

Chick-Fil-A Cow: I'm hungry, you guys wanna stop by Burger King?

A passerby walks by them and hear's them talking.*

Passerby: Fucking fat pig, of course you want to go to Burger King.

Chick-Fil-A Cow: Fuck you lady.

The passerby is out of sight now as she continued walking.*

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The little boy is in his bedroom, looking up at his NPD poster.*

Little Boy: I want to go to the next Insanity show, my favorite wrestler is making his first appearance on Insanity. He's facing X!

Little Boy's Friend: NPD sucks, what is he? A king? A Seinfeld douche? A serious guy? An insane douche? I'll tell you what he is, he's a loser.

Little Boy: X sucks! NPD does not suck.

Little Boy's Friend: Fuck you douche.

Little Boy: Get out of my room.

Little Boy's Friend: I'll get out of your room alright, I'll go fuck your mom.

Little Boy: I wish you were dead too!

The little boy looks up to his NPD poster and shuts his eyes. The friend walks out of the room and meets the little boy's mom in the kitchen.*

Mother: You guys done playing?

Little Boy's Friend: Yup.

The friend is staring at the mother's breasts.*

Mother: You kids are gonna be so cute tonight, who are you supposed to be again?

Little Boy's Friend: Hatchet Ryda!

Mother: And my boy loves NPD. He asks every night before he goes to sleep, for NPD to grant his wishes.

Little Boy's Friend: NPD sucks. You look cool in your costume though.

Mother: You like it? I've always wanted to be Dolly Parton, my favorite musician.

The lights go out.*

Mother: That's odd.

Screams are then heard as when the little boy runs downstairs, the two of them are nowhere to be found. He's running around in his NPD attire. He runs out of the house to look for them. A few hours pass by and it's night time now, the little boy runs inside of his house again, still cannot find the mother or the friend.*

Little Boy: Dad!?

Father: Son?

Little Boy: Have you seen Mo... what's that smell?

Father: Some kids threw dog poop inside of the house.

Little Boy: It stinks so bad dad!

The father is in his bedroom, nodding, as he is wiping off the dog shit off of his legs, sitting on his bed. He has an NPD poster on his wall as well.*

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The security guard at the zoo is looking inside of the elephant cage, to see his wife, his son's friend, and the four kids who threw dog shit inside of his house and on him, on stakes, dead. On each of their bodies, there are letters carved on them.*

"I" "M" "B" "A" "C" "K"

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Sick story isn't it? Well, that's the twisted mind of the man who's completely lost. He wrote this, it's actually quite creative. Twistedly creative of course, but can you see how the man functions? He has an active mind that he believes is sane. Fuck, even I'm beginning to believe what he is preaching.

I just want you all to know, Insanity, NPD is about to return to this brand. He's been International Heavyweight Champion already, now it's time to claim what is currently Hatchet Ryda's.

X, your first on the return trail. Will you welcome us back with open arms? You apparently haven't missed us. You also haven't thought about us in years it seems. Please start to think about us now, please? We've lost our BFF in Drew Michaels, you could be a prime candidate to replace him however. But, the man upstairs is looking like he's growing very fond of Hatchet Ryda, he's written notes that he prepares to give to him, it's quite scary.

X, I remember fighting you for the World Heavyweight Champion in our other return to Schizophrenia, but this is Insanity now, and this isn't who you remember us being. We've become a bit different, just a bit.

He believes he's praised. He believes people love him. I know the truth. And I try to tell him the truth every day, that people don't want to be our friend. He doesn't listen to me, yet. I know the truth though. And I know what exactly is needed to be done for NPD to be successful. We're like peas in a pod, peanut butter and jelly, a fucking lethal combination that LPW has ever seen before, and the company already had us rostered. It gives me chills just thinking about the immediate future.

Now, can you all welcome us the fuck home?