Insanity Contract Signing Skit

The brand New Office Of Little Red, formerly, that of Stanman.

Little Red sits in a chair behind a desk, swinging back and forth, and occasionally spinning all the way around in the chair, giggling. In a corner, in the shadows, sits Krimson Mask. He sits on the floor, his legs crossed and his hands folded in front of him, like some hideous grotesque Buddha. His head is the same height as Little Red’s. Across from Red sits Villiano, Lou, and the Baron stands in the background. Lou and Vil are dressed in suits. Little Red completes one last turn in the chair before coming to a stop facing Villiano and Lou.

Little Red: I am sooo glad that we got to pick you for the Insanity!

Villiano: It’s a pleasure to be here.

Little Red: I was talking to your friend, silly! I really hope to get the rest of your brothers on the show!

Lou: My…brothers?



Little Red: We used to be friends in the old days and sing songs and dig in the ground! I’m really hoping that Doc, Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, and Dopey! But not Grumpy! He’s mean! Now that I think of it, I don’t remember you…

Lou: Um….

Little Red: I know! You’re a cousin! But it’s still great to see you here! And Krimmy is looking forward to playing with you too! Just like that time your cousins led me into that mineshaft! Teehee! Teehee! I didn't have much fun, but your cousins sure seemed to enjoy themselves, and I thought I was never, ever, ever get out of that dark and nasty hole, but then Krimmy….TEE HEE!

Villiano: Yeah. About my contract?

Little Red: I have it right here! Now where did I put my special pen…-

Suddenly the door bursts open. Lou and Vil who were sharing a look, spin in their chairs to look behind them. Little Red, who had been rummaging through the drawers of the desk, snaps up with a start. Only Krimson Mask doesn’t react.

Wevv Mang bursts into the office, panting. Mr. Wang is right on his heels.

Wevv: Little Red! I must…*pant* speak with you!

Little Red: Ooh Goody!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Miss Red! There’s a situation that requires your IMMEDIATE attention! It’s an emergency! It’s your duty as General manager of Insanity! The WHOLE BRAND rests in your hands in this matter! PLEASE! We need your help!

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Well, I –

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Excellent! Now please! If you’ll just follow Madison, she’ll take you there! Quickly! Speed is of the essence!

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: But I –

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Have no fear, madam, I’ll entertain your guests! Now please! This matter cannot wait! Madison! Take her there at once! Only our fearless GM can help us in this! No go, both of you! Godspeed!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv closes the door behind the befuddled Red, and heaves a mighty sigh.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: What the hell was that about?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv doesn't answer. He instead moves over to Lou and snatches the contract out of his hands. Mr. Wang had sidled along the wall to where a couple of putters were resting in front of a putting green. He selects two, and then a third.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: (looking over the contract) No, no, no. This will not do.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv moves behind the desk recently vacated by Little Red. He leans over and plugs something into the back of the computer. He powers it on, and his fingers start to fly.

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou: Wevv, what the hell are you doing?!? We were just about to sign our contracts!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: And that is precisely why I am here now. I have an offer to make you gentlemen.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano barks a laugh.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: You have got to be shitting me.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: LISTEN! I haven’t much time! Madison will only be able to distract Little Red for so long!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv’s fingers fly across the keyboard. His eyes are locked on the screen. But he stills peaks.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: We are in serious danger. I don't know if you noticed or not, but this brand is not what it once was.

<p class="MsoNormal">Behind them, Mr. Wang has sidled up to the Barron. The Baron looks surprised, and ready for combat, but Mr. Wang holds out a putter to the Baron. He jerks his head towards the silent and motionless Krimson Mask. The Barron looks at Mask, and then at Mr. Wang. He takes the putter and nods his head. Mr. Wang starts to move silently along the wall, keeping his eyes on Mask. He then mirrors Mask in staying still. Eyes locked on target. Waiting for the slightest move.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: This brand we used to call Schizophrenia has gone off the deep end. Before, it had it’s crazies, true, but they were all united under one mind. Ours. Now, it’s truly lives up to it’s name. Insane. You’ve seen it firsthand, just moments ago, when that…that…madwoman was here.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv’s fingers move to the phone. He dials a number. A man picks up.

<p class="MsoNormal">Man: This is Jerome in legal, how can I help you?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Jerome! What the hell are you still doing here?

<p class="MsoNormal">Jerome: I’m here…because I have three kids, two in college, a wife with expensive tastes, and my house is now worth half of what I paid for it! Wevv! How the hell are you!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Doing fine! Listen, I just looked over the contract you were prepared to offer Villiano and his entourage. Are you shitting me?

<p class="MsoNormal">Jerome: Hey, times are tough! How did you get your hands on it?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: It sucks is what it does. Do you really expect a man of Villiano’s legendary stature to sign for that piddling amount? He’s a Hall Of Famer! And Jesus Christ! The amenities! I get better deals than that at Burger King! Listen, I’ve made some changes to the contract on the shared drive. Do me a favor and log on and take a look at it will you?

<p class="MsoNormal">Jerome: I can do that, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: I thought you were the head man?

<p class="MsoNormal">Jerome: Budget cuts. Now, everything has to go through Simon.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Hold on, I’ll conference him in.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv dials another number on the phone.

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou: What the hell are you doing, Wevv! What game are you playing?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: The most dangerous game of all. Life! Look, do you want to survive your time on this show or not? I’ll – SIMON! How are you? Wevv Mang here!

<p class="MsoNormal">Simon: Wevv? How the fuck did you –

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: I got Jerome on the other line! Jerome! You there? Hey! I got Simon conference in! Simon, I’d like you and Jerome to take a look at the changes I made to Villiano’s contract and let me know if it’s possible.

<p class="MsoNormal">Simon: Jerome! Are you in on this?

<p class="MsoNormal">Jerome: Hell no! But DAMN! Simon! You better take a look at this!

<p class="MsoNormal">Simon: I – JESUS CHRIST! Wevv, hold on a second.

<p class="MsoNormal">The phone goes dead. Wevv leans back in the chair and sighs.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano gets out of his chair and straightens his tie. He then leans across the desk towards Wevv.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: Start talking. Now.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv stands up and goes nose to with Villiano.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: You’re not a stupid man Villiano. You can see what’s going on. You’re had a good look around. We’re surrounded by psychopaths and madmen! This brand truly has become a nuthouse! MWA! Ash Strife! And the worst lot of all is in charge! IN CHARGE! Our being sent here is a death sentence, and DAMMIT! I GOT TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! Who knows what that delusional tart will do next! So listen to me. I hate your guts. I know you hate mine. But dammit, I also know you love this company as much as I do. You and I fought, bled, and faced death for this company! We both did. Working together, we took this company to the heights it has never seen since. I say we do it again. One last time. You heard this so called “Boss”. Do you remember the last time this company was bleeding money? It sure as hell wasn’t when we were running things. Something has to be done. But I need some one to watch my back. Some one I can count on. That some one is you.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: Like I can trust you? Come off it Wevv, I know you well enough to know that once you even get a sniff of power, you’re going to swoop in and try to take the whole enchilada.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: In normal circumstance you would be right. But not this time. For one simple reason.

<p class="MsoNormal">A beeping noise is suddenly heard.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: DAMMIT!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv starts to type on the keyboard again.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: That should speed things up. NO! Listen Vil! I’ll put it as simply as I can! Little Red is on her way back here, and we’re running out of time. The one thing that scares me is Little Red.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano laughs.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: You’re scared of a little girl?!? HA HA HA HA HA

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: SILENCE! You know as well as I that..creature is no ordinary girl!

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil: You pussy! She’s just a girl! What’s she going to do? Mess up your manicure! HA HA!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: That..girl is dangerous! She’s completely unstable! I’ve looked into her eyes! There’s nothing there but pure madness! And she has powerful friends. We both know that firsthand.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil’s laughter cuts short, and both Wevv and Vil look into the corner at the silent Krimson Mask.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil: (In hushed tones) You may have a point there. Can he hear us?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: (Also in hushed tones) He can hear us. But I don’t think we have anything to worry about from him. If we both had focused on winning that match, instead of worrying about how the other was going to try and screw us, we would have won. As for our large silent friend’s connection, you see, I have a theory –

<p class="MsoNormal">Simon: Wevv! You there?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv and Vil both jump.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Yes Simon! What is it?

<p class="MsoNormal">Simon: You have us over a barrel. We approve the new contract. Ball is now in Vil’s court, and since Lou has Power Of Attorney for Villiano –

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: That shouldn't be a problem.

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou: Yeah, let me see the paperwork before we sign anything.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Be quick about it, there’s not much time!

<p class="MsoNormal">The beeping from Wevv’s watch has slowly grown quicker. Lou walks over to the printer and starts to read the pages as they come off. Wevv nervously shifts his glance around the room, to Lou reading the papers, to the phone, to Mask, everywhere but at Villiano, who hasn't budged and keeps his eyes on Wevv.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: You’re holding something back Wevv. I know you. What is it?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: I already told you. Now, are you going to sign this new contract or what?

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: Lou?

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou: It looks good. We’re getting a little more money up front, but from what I can see, the back end has the potential to pay off like gangbusters.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: See? I always take care of my friends. Now, do we have a deal?

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: You’re holding back something Wevv, and I want to know what it is.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: I already told you.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: No, you haven’t.

<p class="MsoNormal">The beeping grows to frantic pace.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: She’ll be here any minute! Sign the damn contract!

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: No.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: WHAT?!?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: You said it yourself. I don’t trust you. You’ve been acting all high and mighty, and barely given me the time of day, despite being on the same team with me at ARIV, and having the tag match at Homecoming. Now, you want to work with me. Again. Something doesn’t add up.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv looks down at his watch, which is beeping frantically. He looks over at Lou, who is watching him over the top of the printed pages.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Fine! She scares me!

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano guffaws.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Laugh now, but let me tell you something! I have faced creatures of nightmare, men so evil, you can barely keep down you lunch just standing near them. But this..woman truly frightens me. She’s insane. Utterly, completely, totally. I can't read her. And she’s clever. Tell me Vil, do you really think it’s just whim that put Lou, who is your business manager, friend and confidant, in a match against Krimson Mask? Do you? I don’t. There’s something at work here, and like I said, I have far too much to live for. I’m not going to take any chances. There are forces at work here, and I for one, intend to live and not become a victim of whatever plot is afoot. I’m a fighter Vil and NO ONE’S pawn! Now, if you’re not with me…well, we don’t really need to spell it out, do we, old friend?

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano opens his mouth to speak, but the door to the office suddenly bursts open and Little Red walks back in, followed by a frightened looking Madison. Mr. Wang smoothly puts the golf clubs behind his back, and Wevv straightens up, and starts to come from behind the desk, casually moving his arm to turn of the phone with one hand and the compute with the other.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Ah, there you are? Did everything work out all right?

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Yes! Peter Peter Pumkin Eater won't be bothering us again! Tee Hee! I think he ate something that didn’t agree with him! HEE HEE TEE HEE HEE!! Are you boys playing nice?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Good, good! I knew only you could take care of it!

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Have you boys been playing nice?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv nudges Villiano and keeps smiling at Little Red. Wevv his hands behind him, backs up into the desk and reaches back and pulls the device from the back of the computer.

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Hey! Did you just take something off my desk?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Me?

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Don't lie! Bad things happen to liars!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Well, I….yes. You caught me and I’m very sorry. Only it looked so interesting.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv moves his hand from behind his back and holds it out in front of him. Instead of the small device, is a small tube of brightly colored paper.

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: OOH! Pretty!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv hands over the tube to Little Red who snatches it and starts to play with it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Er, yes. Villiano, Louis and I were just having a friendly chat about Vil’s contract, weren’t we?

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil: Yeah. Lou?

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou: Like I said, it’s a good deal, and there’s nothing I can find…objectionable, but   perhaps we should take some time to look over it some more.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Nonsense! I think it would be wise if you were to sign it quickly.

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano: I –

<p class="MsoNormal">Villiano stops speaking as he looks at Little Red. She has put both fingers into the opposite ends of the small tube, which has stretched out and trapped her fingers. She’s starting to mutter and shift around in her chair.

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: What’s going on? Why can’t I get my fingers free? Stop it! Stop it!

<p class="MsoNormal">She starts to growl, and move her trapped hands in a jerky motion.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Er, I think all you have to do is –

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv had started to come around the desk to help Red get free of the Chinese finger trap. He stops as Little Red snarls at him and hisses and snaps her teeth at him. She even kicks at him. Wevv just stops, his mouth dropping open. Little Red then becomes suddenly calm. She then turns in her chair to face Krimson Mask.

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Krimmy? Would you help me?

<p class="MsoNormal">She holds out her hands. Mask slowly uncoils from the floor and crosses to Little Red. Wevv backs away hastily. Mr. Wang moves closer. Mask, with surprising gentleness, takes the hands of Little Red and presses them close. Little Red just looks up into the face of Mask. With slow and careful movements, Mask frees Red’s fingers. He then slowly goes back to sit Indian style on the floor.

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Thank you Krimmy. Now, where were we? Oh yes!

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red claps her hands.

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: A contract signing! This is so much fun! Have you signed yet Cranky?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: I think she means you Louis.

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou: Yeah. I think we’re ready to sign. Vil, it’s a good deal and my advice would be to take the offer.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil just looks at Wevv, who is smiling his megawatt smile. A slight bead of sweat starts to form on his forehead. Vil moves over to the table and Lou hands him the papers. Vil looks over the papers quickly. Little Red leans forward in her chair, her mouth open slightly, as she follows Vil’s hand with the pen. Villiano then puts pen to paper. Little Red and Wevv both sigh in relief. Little red claps her hands in glee.

<p class="MsoNormal">Little Red: Goody! I love being the General Manger person! Now, who’s next?

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv puts an arm around Vil’s shoulder and ushers him to the door. Mr. Wang follows Lou, the Baron and Vil.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: (in a low voice) Thank you. One more free piece of advice, be careful.

<p class="MsoNormal">From behind them, Little Red calls out:

<p class="MsoNormal">Red: Wevv! How amazing! You’re next on my to-do list! Tee Hee!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv stiffens as the sound of Little Red giggling. He then straightens himself. He gives Vil and Lou a gentle push.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Go my friends! Go while you still can! This company stands on the brink of an abyss, and all that stands between it and the void is us! Stand fast! Stand strong! For the greater good, we can save this company! We must give it our all, but we will survive! And prosper! Godspeed Villiano! Louis! Baron! Godspeed! And know, you will not be left alone!

<p class="MsoNormal">Red: Wevv? Are you…coming? Hee Hee!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: (In a loud voice) Just saying goodbye to my friends! Be right there! (In a lower voice) If I don't make it, please! Don't give up hope! The day is not yet lost! Now go!

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv turns around to face the office door. He wipes his brow. He straightens his coat and tie. He slicks back his hair. And finally, he puts his trademark smile/smirk in place.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: Kenzo? Madison? Ready?

<p class="MsoNormal">Kenzo rolls his head and neck. Madison pats herself, and then crosses herself.

<p class="MsoNormal">Madison: That puta is loco! If you ever leave me alone with her, I’m going to cut her. Bad. In self defense.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv: I hope it doesn’t come to that. Into the breach once more, eh Kenzo? Let's go get paid, friends. Just like old times.

<p class="MsoNormal">Wevv walks into the office, trailed by his underlings. Mr. Wang is last. He closes the door. Villiano, Lou, and the Baron just stare on in amazement. Finally, Villiano speaks.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil: All right, what the fuck just happened? Did we agree to a deal with Wevv? Again? Why do I feel like I just bought an overpriced condo in Florida?

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou tries to speak, but Vil just cuts him off.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil: Nevermind. Nevermind. Jesus Christ. Well boys, we’re now officially part of Insanity. I think. Lou, check that contract. I must have lost my damn mind.

<p class="MsoNormal">Lou: Well, we should feel right at home then.

<p class="MsoNormal">Vil: Not funny Lou.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">