Eddie B. promo (Bainbridge)

Eddie B. promo (Bainbridge) was an e-wrestling promo written by Eddie B. on June 6, 2009 in a tag team match where he teamed with arch-nemesis X against The Rabbi and Villiano 187 at the Insanity LIVE from the USS Bainbridge. The promo was the highest rated promo on the card, scoring a 4.44 aps.

Promo
' '' Narrator:  Nothing but blackness, darker than the grim reaper. All of a sudden, lights begin to flicker, the scene pans around rapidly, as if in a panic, and we can see that the room which this promo will take place is fucking dirty, filthy, disgusting, brutal, fit for a bottom feeding trash-bag ho such as X. We zero in on the lying form of EB4, obviously unconscious. We quickly travel into his mind, as the last thing he remembers is simply a man in a dark black coat, dressed like X somehow incapacitating him before he snatches awake in a fury. He raises his head up and looks at his surroundings. He crawls to his feet, and we can see that he’s wearing a t-shirt and jeans, a hoodie as well. He tries to walk towards what seems to be an exit until all of a sudden he stops. He realizes that he’s chained to something in the room, a rusty pipe. I’m glad I’m in a secluded place for this one.''

 '''X!!!!! Where the fuck are you?!?!? I swear you won’t get away with this, I’ll kill you fucking dead!

'' Narrator:  What Eddie doesn’t know, well until now anyway, is that X didn’t put him here, sometimes he lacks balls to do anything outside of homoerotic BSDM with his butt buddy PenZero. Someone else did, to test him for his next match against 5 other assclowns. But in reality, this test is truly to see why he is in this. X or the title: Which would he rather have? I was very disappointed to see him purposefully cost himself a match for the first time in his life, and I have begun to think that he’s lost sight of his priority: GOLD. Eddie has placed a nothing in X above his chief goal, and when he makes it out of this promo, he’ll know that it’s all about the gold. As Eddie looks around, seething in build rage while he remembers what he did, he looks around as a TV flickers on in the room, showing a very static picture. A voice, the owner of which is unseen, begins to sound out. The voice is really warbled however, as if disguised somehow.

'''Eddie, it’s time to play the game. After what you pulled in Greece, I have begun to feel that you are losing it. So, tonight you get it back. You have 5 opponents, and there will be four tests. You have to pass every test within the allotted time to move on. If you do not, then this place can very well become your tomb.'''

 '''What is this, fucking Saw? Fuck that shit. You fucking show yourself, so I know who will die when I get out of here. Ringo, if I discover that you are behind this I am going to split you in half wish bone style.

'''Eddie, your rage and anger has fueled you to do amazing things, but now it seems to hinder you since you’ve never been able to get the big win as of late. What you go through tonight will help you change that. Eddie, LPW doesn’t know the kind of commodity that is has in you. They do not know what you are capable of, and neither do you. But with X as your ultimate goal, you will never realize your true potential because should you face X and lose, then your reason for being in LPW will cease to exist. You were bred, self-motivated and self-trained for greatness, you are built to defy the odds as White Falcon would attest. But, you’ve lost that motivation, and this is the only way you’ll get it back. Are you ready, because I want to play a game...'''

'' Narrator:  Eddie looks around, the chain yet another reminder of how he’s never been able to control his own behavior in LPW because he’s been held back. Realizing that this voice may have a point, an already worked up EB, complete with a light sweat looks back at the TV with directionless wrath and nods…yes. He seemingly has no choice as the fight he was born has seemingly disappeared. Besides giving LPW a “give me X or my walking papers” ultimatum, which wouldn’t work because of who the boss is, EB has done everything to get to X and nothing has worked. Maybe this will. He’s like Andy from the 40-Year Old Virgin, he has put the pussy on a pedestal, made it harder to get to X when it’s actually easy. See what I, well under EB4’s direction of course (don’t ask), did there?

 '''Let’s get this over with, bitch.

'''Not exactly what I prefer to be called, but it’ll suffice. Let’s play. I guarantee you that when your ordeal is over your priorities will be in order.'''

'' Narrator:  And with that, the lights flicker on and off, until they finally remain on. Doesn’t help matters much as the room is still dim, but EB can clearly see that he is surrounded by LPW Merchandise, with a small circle for him to roam in. “2TX is my hero” shirts, Villiano masks, Rabbi yamacas, “Wevv Mang” wallets complete with a bankroll of fake money, you name it, it’s there. EB looks around, seemingly at a loss as to how this will help him. Then he realizes that he’s wearing a contraption on his shoulder, like a harness of some sort with two metal bars that extend outward and the ends of the bars with square-mallet like heads. In all the machine looks as if it would go no further than around towards Eddie’s mouth.''

 '''What’s the point of this bullshit? I don’t see anything but insignificant Merchandise. I don’t see how it even matters to me. And what the fuck is this you got me hooked to?!?!?

'''That’s where you’re wrong. See, in your promos I have noticed that you claim to be always wearing an EB4 authentic wear tee-shirt. Yet, I have filled this room with all the merchandise LPW has ever created, and oddly, none of yours is present save for one piece. Therefore, your first challenge is the Merchandise test. You are surrounded by every piece of LPW Merchandise that I could find as well as some other things, a compulsive shopper’s dream. You’ve spent over 10 months shopping for revenge on X, yet it’s been seemingly sold out every day. Let’s see if we can break you of that habit. Buried under or among one of these items is the key to the lock on that chain as well as that jaw crusher on your shoulder. You get the key, you can free yourself from both the chain and the trap and you are free to proceed. If not, then otherwise the jaw crusher does its job and shuts you up permanently since you’ve become all talk and not as much action these days. Then the game will be over because you’ll stay here forever entombed. By the way, there are special surprises under a few random articles of merchandise, because quite frankly, this is a newer test of mine and I expect it to be quite unpredictable as it is the test’s first go around. Let’s see whether or not it gives you trouble. You have 10 minutes. Time starts when you touch the first item. How much merchandise are you willing to take in order to quell your desire for the rarest piece of them all? But furthermore, are you willing to finally let your actions speak for you? Good luck.'''

'' Narrator:  EB looks around in panic and tries to tear the damn thing off of him, but it is no go. He looks around as the room seems to spin violently and he yells out in wrath. The room slows down and he sees the chain, he picks it up and judges the length, seeing that it allows him to roam throughout this filthy chamber. He exhales deeply and tries to figure a way out of this, and realizes that he actually has to follow orders. He squats down and starts to reach for the closest piece of merch, the Pope Fred ‘Man-Thong’, until he realizes what it is and snatches back, causing him to fall right into the clothes. Then, a ticking sound is heard.''

 '''FUCK!

'' Narrator:  Eddie’s face turns into one of desperation and he begins to sloppily rummage through the merch, tossing it every which way. He seems to be looking for the one article of clothing that was made for him.''

 '''Come on, come on...where is it, where the fuck is my shit!

'' Narrator:  8 minutes, 45 seconds to go… Eddie is obviously sweating now as he shifts his focus to a Wevv Mang wallet. Upon opening it, a white powder mixed with bits of shrapnel is catapulted into his eyes, as if he triggered it. EB rolls around, reaching for a shirt to wipe away the powder that has blinded him, as lucky for him none of the shrapnel entered his eyes. He finally gets to a point which he can see, and as his face bleeds from the forehead and cheekbone, he begins to understand that he will have to go through every thing in the room to have a chance.''

 '''You can do this, Ed. I’m not dying here, I have shit to accomplish, and nothing stands in the way of that.

'' Narrator:  8 minutes to go… Eddie comes across a 2TX shirt, and right beside it is for some unknown reason, a Michael Vick jersey. Eddie stares at the X shirt and drifts off into a fantasy land where he is strangling X. This wastes about a minute and a half of his time. Eddie snaps out of it as he catches sight of a timer in the room. 6:30 and ticking...''

 '''SHIT!!!!

'' Narrator:  About 2 more minutes have passed and Eddie has searched through every thing, no key, no EB4 shirt, nothing. Then he realizes that HE IS WEARING an EB4 tee shirt. He searches through himself, not finding anything. He looks up towards the air seemingly at a loss for where next to look. He drops to his knees and a gleam catches his eye: a LPW International Heavyweight Championship belt replica resting on a side wall. He never noticed it before, cause being so wrapped up in X, Body Count, The World Heavyweight Championship; he forgot what his mission used to be when he first showed up: Become the Man to Beat in INFERNO. He scrambles, crawls to the title, it’s just out of his reach. He stretches as far as he can, so close to the proverbial brass ring...''

 '''So fucking close...

'' Narrator:  2:30 left, he reaches out and as his hand collapses to the ground, it hits a blunt object. It’s a crowbar, closely associated with Son of Repoman, who had always been within centimeters of the title but could never capture it one way or another. Eddie grabs the crowbar and extends the hook end towards the title. It latches on, and he pulls the title towards him slowly as to not lose it from the hook of the crowbar. On the back centerplate, the key is taped. Eddie claws at the tape madly, pulling it away and grasping the key. ''

 '''How much time...75 seconds...

'' Narrator:  70 seconds left, Eddie gets to a seated position and unlocks the chain from his leg. He stands up gingerly; he looks around and grabs the Mike Vick jersey to wipe away the blood. 45 seconds, and Eddie remembers he still has the jaw-crusher on his shoulder. He reaches behind his head, looking for the lock. He finds it on the neck, right in the middle. His hands almost fumble the key away, but he manages to place the key in the lock, but it starts to jam. ''

 '''COME ON GOD DAMMIT!!!!

'' Narrator:  20 seconds left, and Eddie twists as hard as he can, and the lock comes off. He pockets the key, remembering the Saw movies and struggles with the machine. He pulls…he tugs….10 seconds left…it’s off his body…he tosses it to the side and it rapidly closes as Eddie lets out a primal scream of triumph and hatred. Eddie falls to his ass, exhausted. He backs away from the contraption and a door opens. Eddie, grabbing the crowbar, rushes to his feet and stumbles out of the door, tripping and rolling through into a pitch black room right before it closes. He can still feel the item that tripped him up and as the lights flash on…it’s the Vick jersey. Seeing it as there must be a reason, he tucks it away in his pocket as he waits for that voice to speak again.''

'''Congratulations, you’ve passed. But you aren’t out of the woods yet. Lights…'''

'' Narrator:  The room lights up to display a seemingly simple trap, er game. We see a tiled floor, in the middle of a room a giant silver microphone looking thing with lighting bolts occasionally flashing from it. Or is it a huge cattle prod? Anyway, armed with a crowbar, Eddie looks around waiting. ''

'''Here are the rules, you have 5 minutes. Across the room is the door leading you to your way out. I hope you kept the key from the first trap because it opens that door.'''

 '''That’s too fucking easy. This won’t take 30 seconds.

'''Wrong. See, this game here hasn’t really begun to hit its stride in terms of killing potential until recently. As you can see by that skeleton over there, with the boxing attire on, it’s quite harder than it looks and here’s why. Each tile on the floor can very well have you in for a ‘shocking’ surprise. But there are four tiles that each act as a “Killswitch” and stepping on one causes the tower up there to power down for a few seconds to allow you to attempt to escape. But even then, you will find that things in this room are closer than they appear. Hell, you might catch a glimpse of the person who did this to you. Time starts when you step on the first tile. If time expires and you are still in here, well, you die here. Good Luck.'''

'' Narrator:  And with that, the camera pans rapidly around Eddie as he looks for any sort of opening where someone could be watching, but all he can see are tattered walls and dirty mirrors, which only show his steely glare of a reflection. He looks away towards his next task as unbeknown to him, his reflection stares right at him and smirks before disappearing. Eddie looks in that direction as if someone is watching him and he takes his first step. The tile is compressed into the floor as a bolt of lightning strikes extremely close to Eddie’s feet. The force knocks him into a mirror and he slumps down in a heap, the mirror shattered behind him. As he rises to his feet, his reflection reappears trying to will Eddie to his feet. Eddie stumbles to a vertical position as he picks bits of glass from the back of his neck, and he tries to raise his left shoulder and he finds that he can’t. ''

 '''Ow….FUCKING SHIT! How the hell...

'' Narrator:  Four minutes left, and Eddie begins to run all over the floor, hoping he lucks up and strikes a Killswitch. A couple of close calls later, BANG! One bolt hits him as square as it can and Eddie goes flying again. Eddie lies motionless as smoke begins to billow from his body...''

...He lies there...

A good while...

Shit, he needs to get up before he fails...

<span style="color:#;"> '''I will not die here, I will not die until X is in the ground or I’ve accomplished what I set out to do, no matter what…

 Narrator:  2 and a half minutes left...

<span style="color:#;"> '''SHUT UP!

'' Narrator:  Testy… Eddie braces himself and tries to rise, and as he crawls back towards the floor, one of his hands hits a Killswitch. He pays close attention to it as the tower is off…here’s his chance. But, as he rises up to attempt to make a break for the door, the floor begins to move backwards, like a treadmill. Eddie runs as fast as he can, and he dives, but he lands on a tile which apparently triggers a bolt. Eddie rolls out of the way just barely. Eddie decides to ‘hug the wall’ and scurries back to his first crash and burn site, where he left the crowbar from the first test. He grabs it and scurries as close to the door as he can, about 25 feet away. ''

<span style="color:#;"> '''Alright, one shot.

'' Narrator:  One minute and 45 seconds left. Eddie takes off his shoes and throws them on random tiles. The bolts strike each shoe and then Eddie tosses the crowbar at the first Killswitch and hits it right on the button. The tower stops as Eddie jumps and hops to the door. He manages to avoid the treadmill section of the floor. He takes the key from his pocket and unlocks the door, but as he pulls it open he triggers an unknown and the tower begins to fire bolts all over the place, one hits close to the door and Eddie jumps into the blackness of the next room, landing in liquid and solids. He can't see what it is...''

<span style="color:#;"> '''Please…don’t be shit.

'' Narrator:  It may not be shit, but as the bottom drops out form under him, he lands roughly onto a steel floor and the lights hit. Eddie reacts wildly to the sensitive beams and rolls around clearly in a bad way, having been struck by lightning, punctured by shrapnel, crashed into mirrors, bleeding from God knows where, and now he has discovered that he landed in a blood-dominated mixture of meat and whatever else. Eddie limps to his feet as the lights cut on as he passes under each one, almost tripping over the soaked Mike Vick jersey he kept for some inane reason. Then he hears something faint in the distance. Loud, aggressive noises...dogs barking.''

And peppered among that…hisses...

A door opens and then closes behind him. He looks around as he is in a cavernous room with a sizable walkway in the middle with a razor wire pit on the bottom and a cage at the end… holding at least 10 pitbulls on the bottom and snakes on the top. Almost home, and to think I really thought that second test would do you in. I guess it is overrated, a pussy. I liken that to nothing more than a Canadian with a taser in his hand. Hmm. Anyway, here’s your next test. By now you should understand what these tests represent.

<span style="color:#;"> '''sudden death...

Yes, now for this one, you’ve got 3 minutes. All you have to do is get the collar from the lead pitbull, which has the key and get out, but be warned, an adder is guarding the door. Most of these snakes are for show, but I know your past, and you have been felled by something like a lucky bite before. In essence, this is your chance for revenge, for now at least. I hope you kept that Vick jersey, because you’ll need his kind of speed to get out of this one, at least. Time starts when you say, “Release the Hounds”. Can you cheat death, even when it’s the most sudden of its kind?

'' Narrator:  Eddie looks around as the pitbulls and snakes seemingly claw and slither about hoping to get out and eat the Minnesota Violence Party alive. Well, you know what. I don’t see that happening as on Eddie’s dirty, scarred, blood-crusted face and slightly swollen jaw area…A hint of a smirk, a toothy grin develops. He becomes entrenched in the heat of the battle, the fight for his life. He seems to understand that the goal of this is for him to maximize the basic instinct, that of survival, and use it to get to his basic goal: King of Inferno. Now, I’ve never known Eddie to be much of a dog hater, in fact he’s pretty tolerant of them. But he looks ready to murder one of these mangy mutts like they were each Sean Taylors. Eddie looks around, trying to see anything he can exploit as a weakness, and as he thinks…something hits him and his eyes slant down, the nostrils flare. You know the attack face Eddie has shown in past promos? Yeah, that face. Revenge is on his mind. And he must be actually crazy because with a smile on his face he screams:''

<span style="color:#;"> '''RELEASE THE MOTHER FUCKING HOUNDS BITCH!

'' Narrator:  And here they come. The cage opens, the timer starts. The dogs come running out; they smell the blood all over Eddie. The snakes slither about, not towards Eddie though. Eddie takes off towards the dogs, one has separated from the pack as the first to attack. The dog jumps and Eddie surprisingly delivers a sock-covered LOWERED EXPECTATIONS to the flying animal. The dog whimpers and falls in a heap. Before the other dogs can get to him, Eddie grabs the stunned, unconscious or dead dog and flings it at the pack, disrupting the charge. This confuses the dogs and the end up fighting amongst themselves trying to stop themselves from going over the edge, even though a couple of them end up siccing Eddie. Eddie falls to his back and on adrenaline and promo writer’s choice alone, begins to fight off the dogs even though his arms are now ghastly lacerated. Punches, kicks, headbutts, whatever he can… After he rids himself of his first wave of attackers…the lead pitbull comes into view, picking his way through the carnage of his own. Unlike the rest, this pitbull has a blond coat of fur and is noticeably bigger than the rest. The dog growls as Eddie can only get to a knee. On cue, Eddie motions for the dog to bring it and my God does that dog come...''

<span style="color:#;"> '''Come on…

'' Narrator:  2 minutes have passed and the dog dives, and Eddie takes that Mike Vick jersey and wraps it around the face of the dog and takes it to the ground. The dog, a bit startled by the football jersey tries to get it off of him, as if he wants nothing to do with it but it’s too late. Eddie is on the back of the dog and he begins to strangle the dog, while he shuffles towards the exit. The dog begins to go limp and Eddie decides that it is enough. He takes the collar and the key and heads for the door, only to see the adder, ever so patient, raise his head up noticing his oncoming challenge. ''

<span style="color:#;"> '''Sudden Death is what you want, Sudden Death is what you get…

'' Narrator:  30 seconds left and Eddie rushes the snake, grabbing it around the head and flinging it to its razor sharp death below. Leaving the collar on the keys, he unlocks the next door and collapses from blood loss and exhaustion, mostly the latter. Eddie sits up, having been through hell, and then it happens, a voice like no other.''

Step Into The Flame.

'' Narrator:  Eddie’s head snatches up and he just barely notices, more like hallucinates two figures passing through a door that obviously leads to freedom as Eddie can see the moon illuminating from a window. Eddie tries to stand up and walk towards it, but he steps on a trigger and is showered with a pungent liquid of some sort. Eddie yells in pain as the burning sensation overwhelms his body and brings him to his knees.''

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH---AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Can you smell the end? To me it smells like sacrifice, and a lesson learned. For this one, you have all the time you need. And here’s why…

This building is about to become a raging inferno of sorts, because the only way to win, is to Step Into The Flame. The problem is, unlike last time, you have to step through it and actually conquer it. And to help matters:

'' Narrator:  Eddie begins to smell gas leaks and out of nowhere, a huge explosion. Eddie can’t see that far in the distance, but the walls are engulfed in flames, the roof the same. Behind him, the same. But in front of him stands the longest, most painful walk of his life as all he can see is flames. Conquer the Inferno…this is hell on earth.''

Oh and I heard what you said to cYnical about stepping into the flame…

It was...and I quote…

“You’d do it with gasoline boxers on.”

<span style="color:#;"> '''I-I-I never...said…that.