You Screwed Pen

You Screwed Pen was an e-wrestling trash talking segment written by Wevv Mang in August 2006 for a Schizo house show in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The segment was re-posted as part of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years.

Promo
 'At a House Show in Tulsa Oklahoma

''On the small screen set up for the crowd, a familiar video plays.

''The sounds of Danko Jones' “The Cross” blares from the speakers.

''The crowd stands up, to see who is coming through the curtain. As the song plays on, no one shows up. The song actually ends, but the LWO logo is still on the screen. A curious muttering sweeps the sold out stadium. Suddenly the song starts up again. A figure emerges through the curtain, followed by another one. This one is instantly recognizable.

''Wevv Mang makes his way down to the ring, followed by Mr. Wang. The crowd cheers and boos, unsure what to make of this. Mr. Wang grabs a house mic, while Wevv stands in the ring. Arms crossed, smirking. As Mr. Wang returns and hands Wevv the mic, Wevv makes a slashing motion across his throat and the music and the video stop.

Wevv: Tulsa Oklahoma! How are you?

''The crowd pops, but weakly, and is quickly drowned out by boos.

Wevv: Sorry for the little trick, and I know that we advertised that the LWO would actually be here, but as you can see, they are not.

''Wevv shrugs as the crowd boos.

Wevv: Sadly the LWO appears to have vanished as mysteriously as they arrived. I wonder why that could be? Could it be that once I declared war on them, they decided that hiding would be their best option? That makes sense to me. After all, I know perfectly well who was behind it. And I know that person very well, and without backup, he’s nothing. He is a coward pure and simple. He cowardly attacked Mr. Wang, and now, he tries to bring back all his old buddies, and well, there I was, more than willing and able to stop them in their tracks.

''An angry fan with a sign at ringside starts up an LWO chant.

Wevv: Son, you do realize that you’re chanting for a Phantom? Ghosts from the past back to suck the life from the living?

Wevv: The LWO is no more! And you have me to thank! And what better way to thank me that –

''Mr. Wang had slid out of the ring and gone over to a nearby beer vendor and grabbed a plastic bottle. He now throws the bottle into the ring, where Wevv catches it smoothly. Wevv cracks it open, and foamy beer spills out.

Wevv: - By toasting me with a fine beechwood aged Budweiser! Budweiser! The Official beer Sponsor of Altered Reality III!

''Wevv takes a sip, and tries to mask a grimace.

Wevv: AHHHH! Refreshing!

Wevv: But such splendid news is not the only reason I am out here. No, I know the truth about rumors. An old saying is that a rumor can circle the globe fives times before the Truth can even get it’s shoes on. A rumor has been swirling that needs to be addressed.

Wevv: You see, it was I. It was me all along. I was the one who did it, and I’m damn proud of it. Yes, I’m proud to be the one who screwed Pen.

''The crowd reacts, first with whisperings, and then with anger, as Wevv stands in the middle of the ring, smiling. A loud “You Screwed Pen!” Chants start up, and is soon echoing off the rafters.

Wevv: Yes, I did screw Pen! And I’ll do it again! In a heartbeat! But don't you want to know why? For my own kicks? Well, I won't lie to you…

''The crowd, still chanting, ignores Wevv.

Wevv: I’ve had enough of this! I did it for you! You! You ungrateful bastards! Did you think I would allow my main event for Schizo’s Wild to be ruined?!? Hell NO! I saw Pen backstage with his tractor-trailer full of nitroglycerin and radioactive scorpions, and I thought, how PYRO! Oh, I’m sure that many of you Pyromaniacs wanted to see Ham put into a coma, expecting as you’ve been taught, a dramatic return to the ring just before the bell rings and the fight to end all fights!

Wevv: Please! Reality check people, this is a match for the World heavyweight Championship! You deserve to see a true contest! Everyone knows that if you want real competition, you come to Schizo! You want to play the lottery, you go to Pyro! So, forgive me for not pulling a Pyro on you and instead giving you a real match!

''The crowd is booing heavily, and in the background, the “You Screwed Pen!” chant is still going!

Wevv: You filthy ignorant fools! You have NO idea what is on the line in this match! Pen, just released from the hospital was about to try and attack Ham! HAM! Who had the smell of blood fresh in his nostrils! I’ve faced Ham! I know what he’s like! Both men would have killed each other right there and then if I hadn't stepped in! And Pen! I should have known that a stinking French Canadian, not even a real Frenchman, would fail to grasp what was going on!

Wevv: Ham was in you head, you fool! Ham expected an attack! He was ready for it! I turned the tables on him! ME! The one you hate so much! I gave Ham something he wasn’t expecting, throwing him off his game, but do I get thanks? Oh no! I get cursed and vilified for my troubles! How typical!

Wevv: NONE of you can match my godlike intellect! NO ONE can play headgames like I can! I know YOU Pen and I know Ham! You. Were. Simply. Not. Ready.

Wevv: That’s right Pen. Ham tried to get into your head, but surprise, some one else was already there! ME.

Wevv: You just can't grasp the stakes. No one seems able to. Do you ignorant cretins even realize that the control of the entire PWA is at stake? Of course not. Pen, I will say this to give you a fighting chance. I know you. I know what makes you tick. I know what motivates you. I want you to win at Schizo’s Wild. I want you to become the Champion. I want you to go on and face Jaro at Altered Reality III. I know you can beat Jaro, the poor man’s Wevv. I’ll even baby proof the ring, so that Jaro doesn’t get a cut and bleed to death. He’s a hemophiliac isn’t he?

''Wevv looks over at Mr. Wang, who looks surprised at being asked, makes a “You're asking me????”.

Wevv: I can't remember. The point is moot. Pen, listen to me carefully. Wevv: I screwed you Pen. And it was for your own good. I want you succeed. I want you to win. I want you to return in triumph and glory and the entire splendor that a historic victory at the biggest show of the year, Altered Reality 3, can bring you. I want you to come to Schizo the next night, stand here, in the middle of this ring. I want you bring the Title, and the Martinez Cup with you. I want you to hold them high above your head, as these stupid fucks cheer you! I want to look out over all their smiling faces, and shed a tear or two of pure joy! Then, I want you to look up the ramp! Where you will see ME! And then, then you will understand….that you will NEVER, EVER feel that a FRACTION of that joy again! That I will take it ALL … AWAY … FROM … YOU! YOU GREEDY, SELFISH, EGOTISTICAL, UNGRATEFUL, SHIT!!!!

''Wevv pauses, breathing heavy, and wipes the spittle from the corner of his mouth. He takes a deep breath, and rans a hand over his head to smooth his hair back into place.

Wevv: Now, Pen, my dear friend and valued employee, say “Thank You” and get back to work!!!

''Wevv throws down the house mic, causing an angry hiss of feedback. Wevv rolls from the ring, and stalks to the back, as the crowd boos and chants “You Screwed Pen!” at him.