My Dinner with Norwegian Beast

My Dinner with Norwegian Beast - The Shoot Interview was an e-wrestling shoot promo written by Wevv Mang in September 2006 for the final round of the Owner's Cup at Altered Reality III. Wevv defeated Sheepster in the final to gain a title shot for either the PWA World Heavyweight Championship or PWA International Heavyweight Championship. The segment was re-posted as part of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years.

Promo
 'Wevv’s War Part 2 – “My Dinner With Norwegian Beast – The Shoot Interview”

'Vernon Hills, Illinois

''An occasional car pulls up in front of the restaurant. They slow down, and navigate through the orange cones, and slowly creep by the front door. Two uniformed police officers walk up to the front of the car, and say a few words. A few words are exchanged, and then the car moves to the exit, while the policemen wave after them.

''Inside, the TGI Friday’s is empty, except for the wait staff, as they scurry about. A camera has set up in the area cleared of tables. The crewmembers are seated around a table, finishing up a delicious meal of Jack Daniels Steak and Shrimp. Wevv Mang and Mr. Wang move about the place, stopping employees and asking brief questions. They then make their way over to the table where the crewmen are sitting.

Wevv: Gentlemen! Is everything ready?

Josh the Tech: Yes sir! We’re all set up and ready to go, once Beast arrives.

Wevv: Excellent! Say, is that the Jack Daniel’s Steak? I hear it’s quite tasty!

Josh: No Sir! I was going to get that, but Max beat me to it.

Max: You know the rules. You can't order the same thing as anyone else. Say Wevv –

Wevv: Mr. Mang.

Max: Sorry, Mr. Mang, why are we doing the interview here? I mean, you’re usually such a snob, I didn't think you even knew places like this existed.

Wevv: Max is it? Max, you forget who we're dealing with here. Norwegian Beast is not an ordinary man, and frankly, wouldn't be allowed into any establishment I usually visit. In fact, I would be banned from those establishments. Now, once he arrives, be careful. Beast is a very dangerous man.

''A Hostess comes up to Wevv.

Hostess: Mr. Mang? Is everything to your liking?

Wevv: Natalie, everything is perfect! Thank you for letting me rent this place for the night.

Natalie: No problem! It’s a slow night for us anyway. We’re glad to have your business.

Wevv: Thank you. Now (Wevv pulls out his wallet) I would like prompt and quiet service. No chatting please. We’ll be doing an interview, and don't want to be interrupted. This (Wevv holds up a three hundred dollar bills) is to make sure that happens. And this (Wevv holds up five hundreds) is for the chefs. I want everything perfect. And ..(Wevv starts to count out more hundreds. He reaches a number around 8, shakes his head, and goes for another 10) is for any initial damages that might occur.

Natalie: Damages? Wait, what do you mean, initial damages? You –

''Her voice cuts off in a squeak, as the front doors burst open. A huge man, easily seven feet tall, enters. He is wearing, a wolf skin draped across his bare shoulders, the head of the wolf on top of his own. He carries a large club, with wicked looking spikes. His loincloth is unrecognizable. He scowls as he looks around the restaurant. A large dog runs in through the open doors.

NWB: BRING ME THE MAN WHO CALLS HIMSELF WEVV IN THIS LIFETIME OF ILLUSION AND CHAOS! THE NORWEGIAN BEAST DEMANDS IT! DO NOT TARRY OVERLONG, OR THE WRATH OF THE …

''Beast keeps on yelling his rambling threat, while Wevv and Natalie stare on open mouthed. Wevv just hands her over the bills he was counting and the two rush over to NWB. Mr. Wang follows, silently and deadly, eyes constantly seizing up anything that might be used as a weapon.

NWB: …FOR THE GODS DO NOT FAVOR THE MAN WHO WILL NOT STRIVE TO ACCOMPLSIH THAT WHICH CANNOT BE DONE IN THIS MORTAL COIL OF ENDLESS STRIFE AND CONSTANT WARFARE. I, THE NORWEGIAN BEAST, AM THE CHOSEN OF THE GODS, THEIR MESSENGER OF PAIN AND…WEVV! I HAVE COME!

Wevv: I see that my old friend. Welcome!

Natalie: I – I – I’m ssss…sss…sorry sir, b-b-b-but company policy say that no shirt, no pants, no –

Wevv: (Aside and in a whisper) Keep that up and I won't be held responsible for your medical bills (In a normal voice) BEAST! Good to see you! I see you dressed casual! COME! Let us dine tonight and talk of many things! You had no problem finding the place?

NWB: There is no place in the world that I, the Norwegian Beast, fear to tread! BJORN! Heel! Come, let us dine upon the bloody carcasses of our vanquished foes!

''Bjorn, a massive Norwegian Elkhound, runs over to his side, and follows Beast as he heads into the restaurant proper. NWB throws his club against the wall, smashing a picture, the spikes burying themselves into wood.

Natalie: (GASP!) That was a signed picture of the late Dale Earnhardt!

Wevv: Bill me. Now-

''A policeman runs into the restaurant.

Cop: JESUS! Did you see that guy?!? He nearly ran over Larry with a friggin’ chariot!

Wevv: Is he OK?

Cop: The blades sticking out of the wheels nearly took his leg off, but yeah! I just wanted to make sure everything is OK. Those horses are going to be a problem though...

Wevv: I’ll buy 1,000 tickets to your raffle.

Cop: Not a problem any longer. You folks have a nice dinner.

Wevv: Let’s get this started so we can get it over with.

Natalie: Um, yeah, what would you like to start with?

Wevv: Everything. Just bring everything. Oh, and make sure Mr. Wang gets some of those Sesame Jack Chicken strips. He loves those. Well, here goes nothing…

'Ten Minutes Later:

''NWB is stuffing a handful of yummy Chicken Quesadillas into his mouth, and smacking his lips loudly between bites. Bjorn, at his side, whines. Beast looks down and throws a handful of quesadillas to the animal. Mr. Wang is eating tasty Fired Mozzarella with a set of chopsticks. Wevv is digging into the scrumptious Tuscan Spinach Dip. NWB licks his fingers and looks over at Wevv.

''From the side, Wevv hears a voice whisper:

Voice: Man! I’ve never seen a guy eat that many quesadillas at once!

''Wevv looks over sharply and moves his hand below the table and motions for them to be quiet.

NWB: Wevv! Answer me this question!

''Wevv snaps his attention back to NWB. Mr. Wang freezes with a mozzarella stick hanging from his chopsticks, marinara sauce dropping off the end.

NWB: These…trophies…that hand from the walls. Are they trophies won in battle?

Wevv: Er, yes?

NWB: I applaud you, mighty warrior! You seem to have faced strange and twisted creatures!

''A waitress appears.

Waitress: Can I get you anything else?

NWB: I would like the raw carcass of that moose!

Waitress: Excuse me?

NWB: You hang the head of a moose on your wall, and torn garments hang from it’s antlers, so it must have been a fearsome beast! A worthy meal for one such as I, and I wish to eat it’s flesh! BRING IT TO ME! NOW!

''The confused waitress backs off in terror. Wevv stands and takes her by the arm, and guides her away from NWB. He also whispers in her ear:

Wevv: Bring him a triple serving of Jack Daniels Pulled Pork. Trust me.

NWB: WEVV! While we wait for these fine wenches to serve our meal, I will find the Truth! I know you for a warrior, but also as a devil from the bottomless pits of Hel, but I am a warrior of Valhalla, and you will not lie to me. I command you! What are your thoughts about the man you face at ARIII! The man who mocks all we stand for by naming himself after the love interest of horny Welshmen! HAH! We Norwegians laugh at the men of the puny isles! Surely no sheep lover could ever emerge victorious from true combat!

Wevv: (returning to his seat) I would not be so sure of that Beast. Sheepster is a warrior, as you say, and cunning to boot. Yet, in this matter, I will emerge victorious, as you say. As I do too. I have a history with this one. It was only last year that we meet face to face in the ring for our first and only time. Yet, little did I know that we had met many times before then. That I had shared my darkest and most cunning plans with him. For you see, Sheepster had taken over the mind of my partner, whom you may recall, was Red Dragon.

Beast: I do remember him….yet, it fills my head with such pain…TORMENT ME NO MORE! I COMMAND YOU!!....(Beast shakes his head) How can this be? How would you not know the face of your enemy?

Wevv: Through magic most vile. Sheepster had taken over Dragon’s mind! On the biggest night of the year, I was betrayed. My partner, my friend, the man I counted on, threw the match. On a show filled with wizards, such a thing is possible.

Beast: SAY IT’S NOT SO! HOW? HOW? HOW COULD SUCH A STALWART COMPANION BETRAY HIS BROTHER SO?

Wevv: Undoubtedly he was pressured into it. For you see, it was a war that night, a war that happens every year. And that one match, MY match, was the opposition’s only victory that night. My fellow warriors came through with flying colors, crushing the opposition mercilessly. Oh sure, they made excuses, but there really was none. They knew what the stakes were, and they choked. Completely. It was only by this treachery that they could achieve success. I bear Sheepster no ill will, but the score must be settled. Yet that was not the only betrayal that befell me that night. I found out that my “generals” if you will, were aware of Dragon’s affliction and allowed it to happen. That betrayal was the most painful.

Beast: Did you get revenge?

Wevv: I bought part of the company. With their own money. Does that answer the question?

Beast: I knew you were a devil! Surtur take you! Speaking of flaming creatures, I, the Norwegian Beast, have heard that this year at Altered Reality III, that you have declared war on Schizophrenia!

Wevv: On Pyromania, I have declared war on Pyromania. Indeed I have. And they run like rats before a mountain lion.

''The waitress shows up, with a huge platter of Jack Daniels Pulled Pork. Beast grabs a handful of the succulent meat and puts it in his mouth.

Beast: MMM! Good! Lion also sounds good! Bring me some of that next! MAKE HASTE WENCH!

Waitress: Um, yeah, uh?

''Wevv just looks at Beast, stuffing his mouth. He puts down his fork. He leans back I his chair.

Wevv: More of the same. Only extra napkins. Bring me an Ultimate Lights of Havana. Never too early to adapt to a culture, Eh, Mr. Wang? Oh, and bring Mr. Wang an Electric Lemonade? Yes, an Electric Lemonade.

Beast: WEVV!

Wevv: Yes Beast?

Beast: Why do you hate Pyromania?

Wevv: (To the waitress) Drinks first. Hm? Oh, I don't hate Pyromania. I am actually fond of a few of their superstars, and would love to have them on my show, Schizo. But the brand as a whole? Bah. Pitiful. Unity? HAH! More like brainwashed. Confused. Misguided. Lost.

Beast: Stupid.

Wevv: HAHAH! Yes, that is one way to put it, stupid! How apt! You know what goes through my mind when I see one of their matches that involve very expensive devices or garbage? I’ll tell you. This one time, when I was doing my “Community Service” to get back in the country, I was helping promote a zoo festival. It was a big day. And some moron got loaded on the free booze and jumped into the polar bear pit. He wanted to fight a polar bear!

Beast: Bare handed? It is difficult, but not impossible to defeat the great white death of the north unarmed! I have done so many times, of course, but I –

Wevv: yes. Ah, my drink. How refreshing! Yes, I am sure you could do it, but not this guy. Needless to say, the bear mauled the crap out of him. Literally. I asked the guy, once he was released from the emergency room, what he was thinking. He just said it seemed like a good idea at the time, and didn't know what he was going to do once he got in there. So now, every time I see one of those matches, the thought goes through my head “ That’s a real live POLAR BEAR, TONY!”

Beast: Who is this Tony?

Wevv: It doesn't matter. What does matter is how that relates to Pyro. The poor guy nearly dies, and thinks he’ll be a hero and OK in no time, but guess what? Reality check. You just got mauled by a Polar Bear. You’re not going to be OK. It’ll make the news all right, but it’s the Polar Bear who gets the good press. And is forgotten in two weeks. Until the next idiot jumps into the polar bear pit and then, it’s “ THAT’S A REAL LIVE BEAR!” all over again. Pyro has no idea of what to do.

''Wevv is lost in thought, and does not notice that the waitress has returned. Beast looks up from the full plate, and whispers loudly:

Beast: Bring me some goat woman! The Beast hungers for goat. And I’ll have what he’s (He points to Mr. Wang, who looks up shocked, and panicked) having. The color intrigues me.

''Mr. Wang looks over at Wevv.

Wevv: …It must be why they have tried to infiltrate my organization and my inner circle for the past year. Once Dragon was exposed, their direct connection was gone. So they tried to eavesdrop on the mental activity of Sick Fixx. Thank God his mind was still scrambled by the effects of his years of drug use. Their impatience lead to more desperate measures. (Mr. Wang kicks him) Eh? Oh, bring Beast some of that fine Cajun Blackened Chicken. And another one of these. Thank you.

Wevv: Yes. I did form the Payroll, but it was against my better judgment. If I hadn't gotten that anonymous note, warning me that I needed protection, I never would have formed a stable. Random I may have recruited, but Robbino, I mean Bobino, and Mr. Nobody? Well, I did owe Kenta, and I truly thought I could make something out of him. My ego, don't you know. Random, poor lost Random. He wanted to find the truth. And I tried to guide him to it. Not about who attacked you Mr. Wang, that I already knew. (Wevv hisses) Villiano…yes, always Villiano…I knew he was up to something. It must have been him behind that note.

Wevv: Where was I? Ah, yes, thank you my dear. Here’s something for your troubles. Say, do you have any cognac? That goes well with monologues.

Waitress: WE have plenty of fine top shelf liquors. Do you have a brand in mind?

Wevv: I suppose that you have any Remy-Martin’s Louis the XIII? No? How about Hennessy XO?

Waitress: I’m afraid not. We do have Hennessy V.S.O.P though.

Wevv: (Sigh) That will do, I guess.

Beast: WEVV!

Wevv: Yes?

Beast: Tell me of this Random! A lost soul finds solace in the breast of I such as I, for I too am a lost soul.

Wevv: He was full of rage, and angst, but he wanted answers, but to what questions. I told him to seek the Truth. Not of the attack, but the Truth of what he wanted from life. What drove him. He soon found it in his radio station. After that, he seemed to loose his passion for wrestling. Not that I could blame him. Payroll Radio was his creation, and it is changing the industry. Monday Night Countdown is the highest rated show on the net. Hah! It cost a pretty penny to get rolling, but my word, it has been worth it. Did I mention Monday Night Countdown? Morpheus is his co-host. A Pyro star. But then again, he hasn't been seen much either since the show started. The Siren of the Airwaves has claimed him as well. She is a seductive bitch, how well I know. If they weren’t such a great team, I would cancel the show, but the ratings, ah, sweet, sweet ratings. Ratings = revenue don't you know, and that soothes the pain. Ah, here is my drink! I think I’ll need some more food in me. I know, Loaded Potato Skins! Be a dear, would you? Thanks, and another one of these (Wevv waves his glass of cognac). Beast!

Beast: WEVV!

Wevv: BEAST! Ask another question! I no longer feel the need to be so discreet!

Beast: Tell me about your rivalry with Villiano.

Wevv: Ah, going for the gusto, eh? Well, do you mind if I smoke?

''Wevv doesn't wait, but pulls out a cigar case, and pulls out a rich, dark cigar with a gold wrapper. Beast belches mightily and shrugs. He pulls out a worn leather pouch and pulls out a stack of what looks like papyrus. Wevv doesn't notice, lost in thought once again.

''He tosses a handful of bright green leaves into the paper and starts to twist it up.

Wevv: Villiano…Vil…(in a hiss so full of hatred, even Beast flinches) V……That man. My greatest rival, my nemesis, my arch-foe..my near…equal. Never have I met a man so full of deceit. Never have I met a man who could play the game almost as well as I. He changes like a chameleon to suit his audience. For mark my words, the man is always on stage.

''Wevv lights his cigar. Beast reaches over and takes his lighter. He lights up his strange looking smoke, and starts to puff.

Wevv: Let me tell you Beast, this match, more than any other, against Sheepster, will truly be the deciding factor. If I win the Owner’s Cup, do you realize what that means? To me? To V? I will have won a prize that only be won once a year. Period.

''The waitress returns and walks through a cloud of Beast’s smoke. She coughs.

Waitress: SIR! You can't smoke that in here!

''Wevv just reaches over without looking and plucks the glass off her tray. He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. He throws a handful of money on her tray.

Wevv: It’s an herbal folk remedy of his people. It’s not what you think it is. Understood?

''The waitress counts the money, and her eyes pop.

Waitress: Yes SIR! So sorry sir! Do you need an ashtray?

''Wevv waves her away. A glassy eyed Beast clutches his still burning hand rolled cigarette and speaks. And sways.

Wevv: You see what my victory will accomplish don't you Beast? It will mean that I will be able to rub it in Villiano’s face! I already have the Board of Directors on my side! I have the Executive Officers on my side! I know I can count on Chuck Norris-

Beast: Chuck Norris?!? THE Chuck Norris?

Wevv: Indeed. I brought him in months ago, but that bastard Villiano said he hated Chuck and didn't want the world to know that he was part of the company. Jealous prick. Chuck would have been a huge publicity boon, but no. “Fuck Chuck Norris!”.

''Beast slams his hand on the table, making everything jump. Mr. Wang scoots back and stares at Beast.

Beast: (Bloodshot eyes blazing) I will not hear the name of Chuck Norris slandered! You must win Wevv! For the honor of Chuck Norris demands it! (Slumping down) But, as all good warriors should, you must think of the consequences if you fail.

Wevv: I have. I have thought long and hard on what actions I must take if I fail, not just in this match, but in both. If I loose the Owner’s Cup, I can survive. Control of the company is everything. I can simply take a title at whim. But if I loose control of the company…..then, there really is no other option. I must retreat.

Beast: Flee? You will run away from battle!?!? YOU WILL BE A CRAVEN COWARD?!?! I THOUGHT BETTER OF YOU WEVV!

Wevv: Beast, strategy was never your strong suit. I will return to the shadows, and wage my war from there. I will let Villiano deal with what I have already set in place. I have a Plan, Beast. I always have a Plan. And this time, well, let’s just say I hedged my bets. With the stakes so high, it would be foolish not to. But never fear Beast. I will win. My departure, should I loose, will be more problematic than my staying. For have I not drawn that Tough Guy, 2TX out of his hiding place? I have painted a nice big target on him.

Beast: But you made a promise to Pen. You would break your word.

Wevv: Pen, ah, Pen. So close to understanding, and yet he blinds himself deliberately. No one thought he could win the title. NO ONE. His so-called friends may have wished him luck, but they didn't believe. They were all ready to offer him a shoulder to cry on, and offer him sweet words of condolence, but they would have been high fiving their buddy behind his back. Only one person truly believed he could win. That person was me. Did I not say that I knew he could beat Ham? I even put my money where my mouth was. 15 to 1 odds. I put half a million on Pen. But what else did I say? Ah yes, that Pen could defeat Jaro and bring home the Martinez Cup. And then what would I do? I would take it all away.

''Wevv starts to laugh. His laughter grows, he starts slapping the table in his mirth. He tilts his head back and roars out his laughter. Finally, he wipes a tear from his eye, and leans forward, and motions Beast to do the same. Wevv looks around, to make sure no one is eavesdropping.

Wevv: You see it don't you Beast? It’s not about a match. It’s about the war. I made myself Pen’s target. Pen now has a purpose. He has focus. He has a mission. And if I were to leave? If the object of his hatred, that has driven him so far, were to suddenly vanish? Eh? He would need to find another target or that anger will consume him. And who could that be? Who would dare to face him? I have created a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode. A little present for Villiano, should things not go the way I want them to. And there are more, just like Pen. Waiting to explode, and the man with his finger on the trigger? ME. Ponder that one for a while, Vil, old buddy.

Beast: MR. WANG! YOUR SILENCE DISTURBS THE NORWEGIAN BEAST! WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY?? ANSWER ME OR FACE MY WRATH!

''Mr. Wang looks over at Wevv, who, still smirking, nods his head and motions for him to proceed. Mr. Wang looks down, and sighs. He clears his throat, and opens his mouth. He closes it again, and then, in a voice unused to talking, shaky and halting he speaks.

Mr. Wang: The marinade is made up of a 1/5 bottle of red wine, 1 cup olive oil, 1 tablespoon of parsley, 1 tbsp. of rosemary, 2 tbsp. of white pepper, 1 tbsp thyme, 1 tbsp of black pepper, 2 tbsp of Worcestershire sauce, 1 or 2 tbsp of Tabasco sauce, and 4 to 5 cloves of garlic, and 3 or 4 crushed bay leaves. Cut the tomatoes, onions and green peppers into ½ inch pieces. Place 6 to 8 pounds of ostrich meat and red wine marinade in a glass or ceramic container, and store in the fridge, covered for 24 hours. Skewer the meat and vegetables in an alternating sequence. Suspend skewers over a shallow pan and baste with honey, allowing excess to run off. Cook over a medium fire, on a covered grill, turning once. Total cooking time is about ten minutes.

''Wevv is laughing hysterically. Beast looks confused. Finally Wevv manages to speak.

Wevv: You really wanted to eat that ostrich didn't you? I swear, did you get that recipe from the Swedish Chef?

''Mr. Wang shakes his head sadly, and looks right at Wevv, and says in a voice filled with regret.

Mr. Wang: Do not overcook.

NWB: SWEDISH? MEATBALLS WERE INVENTED IN NORWAY! YOU WILL REFER TO THEM AS NORWEGIAN MEATBALLS OR FACE MY WRATH!

''Wevv shakes his head and smiles. He stands up and slaps Mr. Wang on the shoulder.

Wevv: Gentlemen, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

''Wevv is coming out of the bathroom, when he hears a frightening sound. It is a rhythmic clapping. Wevv rushes over to a cameraman, who is snickering. Before him, he sees the wait staff of TGI Friday’s carrying a cake and singing, as they approach Beast. Who does not look amused.

Wevv: What the deuce? Have you lost your mind?

Cameraman: Come on Wevv! Now THAT’s funny!

Wevv: YOU FOOLS!

''Wevv charges out, but it’s too late. Beast is fuming, while the staff looks nervous after their song. Beast stands up, when he sees Wevv.

Beast: What is the meaning of this?!?! Do you mock me, Wevv? We had a deal!

Wevv: Honestly Beast, this wasn’t my idea, I give you my word!

''Growling, Beast sticks a massive finger into the cake and lifts it to his mouth. Mr. Wang slides back from the table and heads towards Wevv. Beast smacks his lips, and then his eyes go wide.

Beast: Vanilla!

Waiter: Is…is….that OK… sir?

Beast: THE BEAST HATES VANNILLA! YOU SCREWED ME AGAIN WEVV! WE HAD A DEAL! DON’T LAUGH AT ME!

''Norwegian Beast grabs the table and throws it against the wall, and lets out a bellow of rage. The wait staff runs off, but not fast enough. A chair catches one of them in the back and knocks him to the ground. Beast is going berserk.

Wevv: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

''Wevv and Mr. Wang run for the door. But before they can get out, a man burst in. He’s wearing a doublet, and has two huge white circles around his nose, and a glassy stare. But he is beet red, and fidgeting.

Kurt Angle: BUFFALO WINGS! I NEED SOME BUFFALO WINGS! WHAT’S A FRICKIN’ OLYMPYC GOLD MEDALIST GOT TO DO TO GET SOME BUFFALO WINGS????

Wevv: Ask that guy!

''Wevv runs out the doors. A roar from inside is heard and then Kurt Angle comes crashing through the large plate glass window, propelled by a canoe. Kurt Angle jumps up, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of white powder which he then holds up to his nose. A mighty sniff later, and Angle lets out a:

Angle: WHOOO! OH YEAH! IT’S GO TIME!

''Angle charges back in. Wevv and Mr. Wang are crouched behind the patrol cruiser, near the body of two unconscious policemen. In the distance, sirens wailing can be heard.

Wevv: Well, I think that interview went rather well, don't you Mr. Wang? Come, let’s depart before the authorities arrive.

''Wevv and Mr. Wang crab walk behind the car, as more debris flies out the shattered windows. From inside, alternating warcries of “BUFFALO WINGS!” and “DON'T LAUGH AT ME!!" Duel on.

The end.