The Trial of Wevv Mang

You Screwed Pen was an e-wrestling trash talking segment written by Wevv Mang in August 2006 for a Schizo house show in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The segment was re-posted as part of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years.

Promo
 'Inside the PWA Towers, in the Press Release Auditorium

''All the wrestlers of the PWA are gathered. They have separated by brand, though some are sitting side by side, Schizo next to Pyro. Yet in the back of the room, there are people sitting, but they are not wrestlers, or at least, are not any longer. These are the road agents, the technicians, the production people, the writers, the travel agents, and all the people who work directly with the wrestlers. Among them sit department heads of the PWA. Yet the wrestlers have the best seats, right up front. In front of the room, separated by a double row of security, a platform has been raised, and a line of chairs is arranged beyond a barricade, in a semi circle. A single podium stands front and center. In front of the platform, a single table has been set up, with three chairs. Behind the barricade, Lou has the center most chair. To his left are Villiano and Cher, and the members of the Board of Directors. To Lou’s left sit the Executive Officers of the PWA. The only name on the Board that leaps out is Chuck Norris. Chuck looks bored, and has his arms crossed, and is staring straight ahead. The room is abuzz with murmurs. Only the people on the platform are silent. Suddenly the door at the back of the room opens, and Security enter. Following them is Wevv Mang, followed by his faithful henchman, Mr. Wang. More security trails the two.

''Wevv Mang is escorted past the sudden silence and the stares to the single table in from of the platform. He stands before the suddenly attentive members of the panel. He shakes hands with the security guards, and shares a few words, that end with the small group chuckling. Finally Wevv looks up at the panel, and his smile vanishes, and is replaced by a scowl. He sits down, and crosses his hands on the table in front of him. Lou stands up and walks over to the podium. He steps up and speaks into the microphone.

Lou: Quiet! Quiet please! I’d like to thank you all for coming on such short notice.

''Villiano barks out a laugh.

Lou: Fuck you buddy. This is a serious matter. We wanted to keep this in house, but due to the accused –

''It’s Wevv’s turn to laugh.

Lou: Shut the fuck up Wevv. This isn't a joke –

Wevv: It’s not? Could have fooled me –

Lou: One more outburst, and I’ll try you in absence! Now, as I was saying, before these two jackasses interrupted me, is that we, the Board of Directors, and the Executive Officers, wanted to keep this in house, and not hide anything from you, our loyal employees. Since this issue directly involves an owner of the company, we have requested you attend. You deserve to know the truth, and not rely on RUMORS (Lou heavily emphasizes the last word and looks over at Vil. Vil just raises his hands and tries to act innocent). So, without further pre-amble, I hereby call to order this Wrestler’s Court. I, Sweet Lou, Executive General Manager, Chairman of the Board, and THE LAW, will present the final judgment. I turn the podium over now to Villiano 187, Senior Owner, to present his charges against Wevv Mang, Minority Owner, and Deputy Director Of Schizophrenia.

''Lou steps down and heads over to the side of the platform, where a huge and gaudy judges booth has been set up. Villiano stands, and adjusts his suit. He is holding a portfolio. He struts slowly over to the podium, but before he stands in front of it. He slowly pushes with his foot a box out from behind the podium. It slides noisily, and Vil smiles over at Lou. Once the obstacle has been cleared, he takes a stand behind the podium. He then slowly and noisily adjusts the mic up to his level. He leans forward and speaks into it.

Vil: Hey buddy, you forgot something.

''He kicks the box.

Vil: Just pick it up later, will you pal? Now, Wevv Mang is an asshole.

''Some in the crowd burst out laughing.

Vil: That’s not a crime! There are plenty of assholes in the PWA. But Wevv is a really, really, BIG asshole.

''More laughter.

Vil: But you people have no idea just how big an asshole Wevv really is.

Lou: Get to the point Vil.

Vil: Just setting the stage, your Honor. Your Honor, I hereby accuse Wevv Mang of treason –

''Wevv slams a hand on the table and jumps to his feet and cries out:

Wevv: BULLSHIT! How dare you –

''Lou bangs his gavel and above the rising murmur of voice, Vil presses on. Wevv goes silent, but stays on his feet.

Vil: TREASON against the PWA! Treason in the from of leaking top secret information to the general public, of manipulating PWA funds for his own benefit, of tampering in matches, slandering PWA executives, of trying to destroy a PWA brand, of over reaching his duties. (Vil pauses to catch his breath).

Wevv: I’ve heard quite enough of this! You lying sack of shit! How dare you accuse me - !

Lou: You’ll have you say Wevv! Now sit down and shut up!

Wevv: I will not! I’ve had enough of this stupid game! You let this cocksucker stand up there and tell these lies about me?!? Everything I have done has been for the good of the PWA! How dare you accuse me of treason?!? Treason?!? What the hell? Is that the best you could up with, old buddy Vil? I –

''Lou slams his gavel down.

Lou: ENOUGH! Sit the fuck down right now Wevv! NOW! Vil, do you have anything else to say?

Vil: I do your honor. I –

Wevv: NO! I’ve had enough of this bullshit! I will be heard, and I will be heard now!

Lou: WEVV! I’m warning you –

''Security guards move in and grab Wevv by the arms. Wevv shrugs them off, and then Mr. Wang is there, shoving the guards aside. He launches a spin kick to the head of one, knocking him flying. Tonfa appear in each of his hands. Wevv and Mr. Wang go back to back. Lou is furiously pounding his gavel. The audience is on their feet as well, and it looks like a riot is about to break out. Finally, Lou stands up and yells.

Lou: ORDER! I’LL FIRE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IF YOU DON'T SIT THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!

''The crowd freezes. Slowly, the audience sits back down. Wevv and Mr. Wang are still ready to fight. Vil is leaning on the podium, grinning from ear to ear. Lou adjusts his suit, and sits down. He bangs his gavel once more and starts to speak.

Lou: Now, where were we? Vil -

Wevv: Put a sock in it Lou! It’s my turn now! You want to throw me out, FINE! I’ll go quietly, but not until I’ve had my say! Sit you ass down Vil! I’m sure you’ll have plenty to say once I’m gone!

''Lou just shakes his head and motions for Vil to take his seat. Vil starts to protest.

Lou: There will be LAW! I’ll throw your ass out too Vil! Sit down. NOW!

''Vil stomps over to his chair and sits down. Wevv and Mr. Wang separate. The tonfa disappear as quickly as they appeared. Wevv puts down the chair and runs a hand through his hair. He straightens his suit. He takes a deep breath, and plasters a smile on his face. He then turns to face the audience.

Wevv: Let’s not beat around the bush here, people. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible, and you people want the same thing. So, what could I possibly say in my defense?

Wevv: How about the truth? That I am the most feared man in the company? That I have manipulated the high and mighty, and the low and inconsequential. That I can, and do, play with your minds like others would play tiddlywinks? And the thing is, you know it’s true, and that not only do know this, but I constantly flaunt it in your faces?

Wevv: I have spoken time and time again of a Plan. Nearly one year ago, I revealed the ultimate objective of that Plan. I wanted it all. I wanted the title, I wanted to control Schizo, and I wanted to control Pyro. I put it right out there in the open, as I have with some much of my Plan. And you, the feared and powerful, could do nothing to stop me.

Wevv: “But Wevv!” You may say, “How come you don't have a title?” It’s true. There is no belt around my waist other than this fine Italian one, that costs more that most of you paychecks. I could have a title, if I wanted on. Oh sure, you may say. Easy to say. Yes, it is easy for me to say.

Wevv: You see, during my first year, my very first year, I did more than all of you. And I did it in spite of those gentlemen up there, and in spite of Villiano, and in spite of Lou, and whoever was head booker of the time. I took those titles. I hounded their possessors, and I made them give me a shot. And I won. I got what I wanted.

Wevv: And I was the greatest champion this company has ever seen. Perhaps that was my downfall, if you could call it that. Indeed, when I was Television Champion, I was the one kind of champion that this company fears above all others. I was a competing champion. I took on all comers, and I defended my title, every show I could. And I won. The only, and I mean, only reason I lost, was due to a clusterfuck match, the kind seen nearly every week on Pyro. Six men, two titles on the line, and well, you figure it out. Oh wait, I forgot to whom I was talking to. Let’s just say that there is a chance, a small chance, that in those kind of circumstance, that shenanigans could have entered into the final results.

Wevv: As for my reign as Tag Team Champion, well, I’ll not talk about it here. Some other, shall we say, friendlier place will be my medium. No, this is about me. Who I am, and What I am.

Villiano: We know what you are, and in case you forgot, you’re an asshole!

''Laughter from the crowd. Wevv turns and stares at Villiano.

Vil: Look, just spit it out. I don't want my headstone to say “Bored to an old age death by Wevv”.

Wevv: Droll, Villiano, very droll. But you make my point for me. Jealously, and fear drive you to scorn me. Jealous because I do what no one else can do. I mock your heroes, your supposedly unstoppable monsters. Like Pyro. Poor, poor Pyro. You talk so tough, but when you face a true competitor, and a known Champion, you buckle like the French.

''Wevv walks over to the barricade and leans on it. The front row of wrestlers flinches back, but then move forward.

Wevv: Look at yourselves. Some true talent and so much talent that relies on group support. Or should I say therapy? Answer me one thing, Pyromaniacs. Is Jaro really the best that you can do as Champion? How in the hell has he remained champion? Christ, TJ Ford could take you. Yet, there you sit, with gold around your waist. It’s like all of Pyromania works for you. But not me. I don't work for you. I never have. I never will.

''Wevv turns and walks away.

Wevv: Everything I have done is for the good of the PWA. Of course you don't believe me. I have the one thing that nearly all of you lack. And that is subtlety. Pyro, you needed a wake up call. I am that call. Altered Reality III is going to be a war. You are simply not ready. You waste you time on pointless threats and putting up smoke screens. What you do NOT see is that Schizophrenia has become under my watch. Schizo is a ruthless killing ground. Our lazy and complacent champions have been done away with. Well, except for Rabbi. But what Rabbi lacks in skill, he makes up for with cunning. He chose the Payroll to be on his side. Schizo is about competition. Schizo is about survival. The herd has been thinned and all that remains are the hungry predators. Hungry and smart predators. They let you burn yourself out, while they wait for that opportunity to pounce.

Wevv: I made them so. I tested them. I pushed them. I forced them to adapt. I showed them how it is done. I brought down the best. Except for the Sol, The Ginger Bread Man. Run, run, as fast as I can, I couldn't catch up to the fleeing champ.

Wevv: So, why the hostility PWA? What have I told you that you didn't already know? What did I say that was so bad? That I was going to do something and then did it? No, I think I know why you all hate me so. It’s because I am better than you. That I didn't wait for opportunities to be given to me, but made my own. That when an opportunity was given to me, no matter how small, I took every single thing I could from it, and made it more than you thought it could be. Much more in some cases.

Wevv: I mean look at me! I was supposed to be a lackey! Yet, I called the shots. I ran the show. And you know, that when I take over both shows, that there is not a goddamn thing you could do to stop me from taking BOTH your titles. And keeping them. You aren’t clever enough to stop me from being there to point out the huge gaping mother fucking hole in your juvenile publicity stunt. You can't smart enough to come up with a plan that I can't turn on it’s ear with a simple comment. You can't scheme enough to keep me from spinning it to my favor. I am the best. You know this to be truth, and your jealousy eats you alive because of it.

''Villiano stands up and slowly starts to golf clap.

Vil: Bravo Wevv. I couldn't have turned them on you any better. It was a nice monolog, and it’s ten minutes of my life I will never get back. It’s also 100% bullshit. You told us your plan? I don't think so. Why not tell them all of it? Why not tell them about how much money you’ve been stealing from the company? Why not tell them about how you plan to sell the company out if you got control?

Wevv: Me? Sell my company?

Vil: MY company you mean!

Wevv: Oh, very cute Villiano! Trying to play my own game, eh? You weren’t listening were you?

Vil: Was anyone?

Wevv: You know damn well that I haven't stolen a dime from this company! Hell, I’m not even getting paid!

''The crowd gasps at this. More in disbelief than in outrage.

Wevv: It’s true! I don't get paid any money as Deputy Director OR as a wrestler!

Vil: Sure Wevv! We believe you! Hell, we’re thinking about buying swampland in Florida too!

Wevv: You know damn well that I get paid by commission!

''Wevv takes a deep breath and composes himself.

Wevv: For every piece of merchandise, I get a cut!

''2TX jumps up and yells out:

2TX: I KNEW YOU WERE STEALING FROM ME!

Wevv: Shut up, miscreant! I get a cut, not the whole thing! And for every bit of merchandise I help sell, YOU get paid as per your contract! It means, simpletons, more money FOR YOU. This is MY company! I refused to be paid, so that this company would have capitol to grow! TO hire new talent! To put on those abominations you Pyromaniacs love so well! And I succeeded! It was me Villiano, not you, who took this company to new heights! It was me who made this company a Fortune 500 company! And it ate you up inside, didn't it?

Wevv: To see ME praised instead of you? Isn't that why you tried to buy me out all those times? Oh yes, I knew it was you! No matter what shell company you used, they had your fingerprints all over them! Just like when you attacked Mr. Wang! I knew it was you! I just wanted to see what you would do next if you thought you got away with it. And I was surprised. Once you realized that you couldn't bully me out, you tried to buy me out! But you found out the truth, didn't you. I really am not in this for the money! Besides, once you saw how rich I really am, you knew you couldn't raise enough for me to not be able to turn down. You simply don't have enough. So you got backers. And still I wouldn't budge. So, why don't you tell them what you planned next, since apparently all I’m doing is lying?

Vil: You lying sack of shit! I’ve had enough of your bullshit! Fuck ARIII! I’m going to kill you right now!

Wevv: HAH! I don't see a Windmill Of Really Painful Papercutting Doom anywhere nearby! How can we fight without that?!?

''Vil jumps from the stage, and starts to charge Wevv, but security is there to stop him. Vil bulls his way forward towards Wevv, as more security guards pile on. Mr. Wang grabs Wevv and starts to pull him back, while Wevv struggles to attack Vil. Lou is standing up and shouting.

Wevv: Why don't you tell them the truth Vil?!? Haven't got the stones for it? YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS GOING TO SELL THE COMPANY! YOU, NOT ME! I WAS THE ONE TRYING TO SAVE IT! I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS PROTECTING IT! FROM YOU! TELL THEM YOU SON OF A BITCH!

''Lou is desperately trying to restore order. Villiano has been buried under a pile of security guards. Mr. Wang is dragging Wevv through the crowd, towards the back door, as more security guards clear the way.

''Wevv is finally out the back door, and it’s slammed shut. Villiano is dragged out a side door. Lou finally regains control. He still stands on his bench, and adjusts his suit.

Lou: Well, now that the entertainment is over, let’s get down to business…and since it seems that our accused and accused have been removed, I see no need for these proceedings to continue. Court is adjourned.

''Lou bangs his gavel, and the crowd begins to murmur…