Ham vs. Wevv Promo

Ham vs. Wevv Promo was an e-wrestling promo written by Wevv Mang in January 2006 at the Annihilation (2006) pay-per-view against D. Hammond Samuels. It was re-posted as part of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years.

Promo
 In the backstage interview area:

''Crotchman stands in front of the PWA logo, shades on, and holding a mic. The camera is a tight shot of Crotch’s face, as he takes a step forward and hollers into the mic and camera.

Crotch: Howdy PWA fans! Crotchman here, with a special guest! Wevv Mang! WEVV! BUDDY! How are you?

Wevv: Crotch, my man! I’m doing splendid! How are you?

Crotch: Chillin’ like a villain!

Wevv: Er, yes, poor choice of words, granted the controversy that seems to hound me like rabid beast. Tell me Crotch, do you think a man can change?

Crotch: Huh? Um, yeah, I guess so. You sure have, usually by this time Mr. Wang shoves me out of the way, but he’s over there, and I’m still here, so yeah, I’d say you’ve changed. Because FINALLY! The Crotch can interview the Man With The Plan! My Good Buddy, WEVV!

Wevv: Yes. Indeed.

Crotch: WEVV!

Wevv: (Breaking the silence) Yes?

Crotch: WHAT…….are your plans for Ham?

Wevv: Win? Crotch, if you would be so kind as to allow me, no no, you can stay, just hand me the mic, and stand there. Yes, like that. Thank you.

''Wevv drapes an arm around Crotch’s shoulder.

Wevv: Now, Crotch, can I call you Crotch?

Crotch: I prefer Jonathon-

Wevv: Crotch, this Ham fellow, well, he’s the worst sort of fellow. I see so many similarities between us. We both have a pride burning inside that won’t allow us to quit. Well, maybe that’s not the right way to describe it, as Ham seems to take his own sweet time, like waiting years to actually do something about injustices to himself. In fact, maybe we’re not as alike as I thought. I mean really, I’m a go-getter. I went out and built my own fortune. I mean really, have you seen the cover of the recent PWA magazine?

Crotch: I sure have! I have a subscription!

Wevv: Did you take advantage of our loyal reader discount?

Crotch: I sure did! Man, I’m saving a bundle and it gets delivered right to my house!

Wevv: Smart man! Now, who was on the cover?

Crotch: You were!

Wevv: Indeed! Now, would a man with low self-esteem, like my opponent Ham, who allowed himself to made a mockery of by wearing a snowman costume, ever be on the cover of a fine and respectable, industry leading publication like PWA magazine?

Crotch: Well, I think he was when the Illuminati were running things-

Wevv: BAH! My point exactly! He had to abuse his power to get on the cover! Now me, I earned that cover! And that is what makes Ham tick!

Crotch: I’m not sure I follow you Wevv.

Wevv: I’ll explain my slow-witted friend, JEALOUSY! That is the key to the Gordian Knot that is Ham! Jealousy! What else could prompt some one to attack an innocent victim like Mr. Wang?

''The camera pans over to Mr. Wang, who is adjusting a billyclub in the inner pocket of his jacket. He looks up and quickly closes his jacket, and smiles guiltily.

Wevv: Strictly for self defense! With an unstable lunatic like that running around, we can take no chances!

Crotch: Did “Sick” Nick break out again?

Wevv: I’m talking about Ham! Pay attention! Now, Ham is obviously jealous of my success. I’m the richest man in the PWA. At Honor Role, I once again walked out with the prize! $2 Million dollars richer! I’m co-owner of the company, and it was offered to me, not stolen. But most of all, Ham is jealous of my friendship with V and Louis. Something he once enjoyed, but can no longer! Yes, Ham is simply jealous of me, and there seems to be no bottom to the depravities that man is willing to sink to!

Crotch: That may be Wevv, but buddy, I have to point out that there’s no evidence linking Ham to the attack on Mr. Wang.

Wevv: Look at you, my friend, playing reporter! Well done! Indeed, I have read countless reports on the incident, gathered every shred of evidence, and, well, something does indeed seem fishy. But the motive points directly to Ham. And that thread of the puzzle must be followed to the end. Besides, there is simply something…unsavory about Ham. Something that irritates me to no end. And so it comes to this. One way or the other, I will get to the bottom of this knot of intrigue, and just like Alexander before me, I will cut to the heart of the matter!

''Wevv removes his arm from around Crotch’s shoulders and steps closer to the camera.

Wevv: Ham, I will not let you drag me down to your level! I am no vile miscreant, no cowardly dog! One on One, I will face you in that ring! And as you lay bleeding and begging for mercy, I will look into your eyes and see the truth of who you really are! And one way or another, I will have my answers!

''Wevv thrusts the mic back towards Crotch, and catch him in the gut. Wevv walks off, stage left, and Mr. Wang cracks his knuckles and follows. Crotch, hunched over, speaks.

Crotch: Thanks Buddy! Good luck Wevv! That’s my DOG, that is! Wevv Mang everybody! The Man’s gotta a Plan! I’m sure glad I’m not Ham. We good? Man, that rocked! I told you Wevv was my homey! Word!

''The picture fades, along with the sound, and a scene of a still rambling Crotchman fades to black.