Dalby Sound vs. David Hasselhoff

The match was re-posted as part of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years.

Promo
 Tony Schiavone: HELLO FANS AND WELCOME BACK TO THE OWNER’S CUP! I’M TONY SCHIAVONE AND WITH ME IS THE ONE AND ONLY, VILLIANO 187!

Villiano: Why are you yelling Tony?

TONY: BECAUSE I’M SO GLAD TO BE HERE! CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT WRESTLING FANS????

187: Calm down Tony! Calm down!

TS: I CAN'T CALM DOWN! THERE’S TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT IN THE AIR! PEOPLE HAVE COME FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TO SEE THIS SHOW! THERE’S BRATWURSTS, KNACKWURST, LIVERWURST, SHINKENWURST, GELBWURST EVERYWHERE! I’VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY SAUSAGES IN ONE PLACE!

187: So that’s it! You don't care about the show, it’s the sausage you love!

TS: YES! NO! I MEAN-

187: While my broadcast partner calms down, let’s bring the fans up to date on the action. Dalby Sound has challenged the one and only David Hasslehoff –

TS: THE HOFF!

187: Yeah, the Hoff, to a warm up match for the Royale Rumble. Hasslehoff-

TS: THE HOFF!

187: Jesus Tony. Anyway, the Hoff –

''Villiano leans over and slaps a hand over Tony’s mouth.

187: Has agreed. So, as a prelude to the Royal Rumble, the Owner’s Cup Committee brings to you, Dalby Sound vs David Hasslehoff! Right….NOW!

''“The Pot” by Tool plays from the loudspeakers, as Dalby makes his way to the ring, ignoring the booing (With and without a hint of German). Dalby enters the ring.

187: Dalby has made his way to the ring, but there’s no sign of –

TS: THE HOFF!

187: Right. No sign of David Hasslehoff, but wait, the lights are dimming, and the crowd is growing quiet…

''Spotlights flash through the darkness, and come to rest on the entryway. A soft sound, growing in volume can be heard, and suddenly “These Boots Are Made For Walking” can be heard over the loudspeakers, and the fans go wild.

TS: MY GOD! It’s the HOFF! And look at that entrance! He’s riding to the ring on a palanquin, being carried by his loyal German fans! And there’s the British band Automatic leading the way! Did you know Vil, they demand a shrine to Hasslehoff be in their dressing room, or they won't play? Those are true fans!

187: Or just plain nuts. Hasslehoff is giving us his famous rendition of the Nancy Sinatra, and the much better version by Megadeth of “These Boots Are Made For Walking and the thousand of German fans who came to see the Hoff are going wild!

TS: That’s right Vil! Business is about to pick up!

187: Ripping off JR? That’s low Tony. Hoff doesn't know what he’s in for, Dalby is going to rip him a new one!

TS: Keep your voice down Vil! We’re in enemy territory! Surrounded on all sides by crazed Germans! Now I know how Poland felt!

187: The target of dumb jokes? The Hoff has made it to the ring, and the Germans are throwing flowers at him! Those Germans sure love the Hoff!

''The palanquin reaches the side of the ring, and still singing into his microphone, David steps off and through the ropes. He enters the ring, and strike a pose. Dalby just shakes his head, and talks to the ref. The announcer steps forward, as David wraps up his song. The announcer takes his mic.

187: Thank God! I don't know how much more I could have taken! Let’s go to the ring and gets this contest underway!

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Tonight, in a special exhibition match, we will have Dalby Sound take on David Hasslehoff!

''The crowd goes wild, and the “Sieg Hoff! Sieg Hoff! Sieg Hoff!" chant starts up, and grows in strength.

187: I don't know about you Tony, but I don't like the sound of that. You’re not Jewish are you Tony?

Announcer: Introducing our first contestant, DALBY SOUND!!!!

''The fans boo, and bombard the ring with sausages.

TS: We have a riot on our hands and the match hasn't even started yet!

Announcer: (Covering his head) And DAVID HASSLEHOFF!

''The crowd cheers, and the barrage of meat stops. David smiles and waves, and girlish screams ring out. The announcer runs out of the ring. David struts around the ring, and slowly starts to take off his leather jacket, and the girls go wild again.

TS: AMAZING! Hasslehoff has this crowd completely under his spell!

187: Yeah, but that’s a wrestling ring, not a sound stage! Dalby is going to teach the Hoff to respect the business!

''Hasslehoff finally removes his jacket. Dalby had been waiting in the middle of the ring, arms crossed, looking bored.

187: Dalby has had enough of this showboating and is picking up the pace, and going right after the Hoff. Dalby grabs the Hoff’s arm and spins him around.

TS: Hasslehoff doesn't like that, and is lecturing Dalby. Dalby rears back an arm, and strike the Hoff with a powerful right hand! Hasslehoff is down! The crowd not liking that at all!

187: Hasslehoff’s security is rushing the ring!

''Four of Hasslehoff’s security detail have blocked Dalby off from the Hoff and are demanding to know what he think he’s he’s doing. Dalby is right back in their faces. Suddenly one of the guards takes a swing at Dalby. Dalby blocks it and throws a punch of his own, which knocks the guard down.

TS: Hasslehoff’s security is attacking Dalby, but Dalby is holding his own! Hasslehoff has rolled to the ropes and is being consoled by his faithful fans. Dalby clearing house with lefts and right, and the security detail of Hasslehoff is no match for this man!

187: The Hoff is back to his feet! He’s getting back into the match! Listen to this crowd cheer for him! Hasslehoff has a mic in his hands, heaven help us!

The Hoff: HEY! Nice sucker punch pal, let’s see if you can do that to my face!

''Hasslehoff covers the head of the mic with one hand, but we can still hear what he says.

Hasslehoff: Easy, buddy, you almost knocked my caps loose! I thought you guys all knew how to through fake punches? Come, on, I’ll let you get one more in, and then I’ll take over…

TS: Hasslehoff still thinks this is fake!

187: The only thing he’s exposing is his ignorance! Which Dalby is about to take care of.

''Dalby looks at Hoff skeptically, and then throws a hard punch that staggers Hasslehoff.

TS: Dalby with a hard right that stuns the Hoff. Dalby now on the attack. Snap Suplex and the Hoff is down, and in pain!

''Hasslehoff is writhing on the matt, with Dalby on top of him.

TS: Cover by Dalby! 1 – 2! And the Hoff Reich pulls Dalby out of the ring!

187: The Hoff is trying to escape, but Dalby throws the guards off and grabs the Hoff by the foot and pulls him back into the middle of the ring! Elbow to the small of the back of the Hoff and Dalby locks on a rear Chinlock! The Hoff is in big trouble!

TS: But the fans are coming to his rescue! I’ve never seen anything like this! Fans are hopping the barricade in droves! Sausages are flying everywhere! It’s pure Chaos!

''Fans charge the ring and rip Dalby off of Hasslehoff. Dalby starts to fight back, but there are too many Germans in the ring for him to handle. Hasslehoff is swarmed under a mob of eager fans. His security guards try to fight there way to him, but are pushed back.

TS: The Hoff has been swarmed by his own fans! This is pandemonium!

187: I’ve got to do something!

''Villiano takes off his headset and grabs a mic nearby. He stands up on top of the announce desk and yells into the mic.

187: ACH-TUNG! EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! Tony!! Get the beer vendors out here now! I got an idea!

''Tony starts speaking into the mic, as Villiano clears his throat loudly over the mic. Beer vendors hurry out into the arena, and stand ready. Vil grabs a beer and stands back up. He lifts the mic to his mouth, and starts to belt out a song.

187: EIN PROSIT, EIN PROSIT DER GEMUTLICHKEIT! EIN PROSIT, EIN PROSIT! DER GEMUTLICHKEIT!

''The crowd starts to quiet and pay attention to Vil. Dalby manages to get free and backs into a corner. Hasslehoff emerges from under a pile and security surrounds him. The German mob, turns to Vil.

187: OANS! ZWOA! DREI! GSUFFA! TICHEY TACK! TICHEY TACK! HOI! HOI! HOI! TIICKEY TACK, TICHEKY TACK! HOI! HOI! HOI!

''Vil starts chugging beer, and the crowd cheers. Smiling, they swarm the beer vendors, and start singing another round. As the now happy mob sings, Vil gets down off the table and takes his seat. The crowd keeps singing.

TS: Good thinking Vil! Nothing calms a German like beer!

187: It was a gamble, but we’ll soon have hundreds of drunken German fans on our hand and the Hoff is still due to take part in the Rumble!

TS: Reminds me of an Oktoberfest I went to in Scranton Pennsylvania!

187: Put a sock in it Schiavone! We just escaped death and the last thing anyone wants to hear is some boring story of yours!

''Arena security has moved out in force, and is herding the tourists back to their seats. Dalby is escorted out under armed guard, and Hasslehoff is carried out on the shoulders of his adoring public as the crowd chants “Hoff! Hoff! Hoff!” Hasslehoff pumps his fist in the air and the crowd goes wild.

187: Look at that guy! He got his ass kicked in seconds, started a riot, and he’s acting like he won!

TS: Didn't he Vil? Didn't we all?

187: Tony, you better not be drinking on the job. It’s only September, and Oktoberfest is months away, and we still have a lot of show to come! Stay tuned folks! The Owner’s Cup! You never know what the fuck will happen!