The Battle for Office Space

The Battle for Office Space was an e-wrestling promo written by Wevv Mang in December 2005 where he has issue with the general managers of both Psychotic Wrestling Alliance brands, Schizophrenia's Lou and new Pyromania GM, Cher. It was re-posted as part of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years.

Promo
 ''The door to Wevv’s Office starts to open. Three people enter the room. Well, two and a half. Lou and Cher, trailed by an anxious Mr. Wang, are talking quietly, while inside, Wevv is behind his desk, a phone pressed to his ear.

Wevv: …I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to get a hold of you, but you must call me back! Look, V, you’re playing right into their game! Let me help you! I know you want to do this on your own, but damn it! We’re a team! Come on bro! Eh? Look I have to go. So stop being so pig headed and let’s do this right! My Plan will work! Trust me!

''Lou and Cher have stopped some distance away from Wevv’s desk and are checking out Wevv’s decoration, and still talking quietly, while Mr. Wang anxiously hovers behind them. Wevv puts down the phone and spreads his arms wide.

Wevv: LOU! I’m so glad you came! Listen, if anyone can talk some sense into V, it’s you! This PTP business has scrambled his brain! He won’t return my phone calls, he told everyone not to tell me where he is, and all I keep hearing is to butt out! Lou, my brother, surely you must realize that together, we are unstoppable!

Lou: It’s his call, and don’t call me Shirley!

''Cher laughs, and Wevv masks his irritation, with a wide, open smile. Wevv comes around the desk and takes Cher’s hand.

Wevv: Ah, where are my manners! Cher, correct? I don’t believe we’ve met. Allow me to introduce myself, Wevv Mang, co-owner.

''Wevv bows slightly and kisses Cher’s hand. Cher looks on amused, why Lou rolls his eyes.

Cher: Pleasure to meet you Wevv. Lou has told me so much about you.

Wevv: All good, I hope! Indeed, welcome to the team! Pyromania will surely exceed expectations under leadership as keen and tough as you, Indeed, Pyro is looking most attractive! Hah Ha! My dear, if there’s anything I can assist you with, you have but to ask, and it shall be yours!

Cher: You’re such a sweetheart! Thanks Wevv! Come on Mr. Wang, I need some one to take notes!

''With that, Cher grabs Mr. Wang’s arm and heads over to the desk, where she grabs a pen and a pad of paper. Mr. Wang looks over at Wevv, alarm etched on his face, as Cher starts talking.

Cher: First, we’re going to have to put new carpeting in! Much too somber for my tastes! Then.

Wevv: What? What do you mean-?

Lou: Girls love to redecorate, and it looks like she’s going to have a field day with your old office.

Wevv: My office? Why would she want to redecorate my office? Wait, did you say “old”?

Lou: Well, you heard about what happened with Biggie in what was going to be office didn’t you?

Wevv: Yes, indeed. Disgusting!

Lou: Right. So, she didn’t want anything to do with that, so she needed a new office, and well, we want to make her feel right at home, so…

''Wevv stands stonily, letting the words sink in. Cher has moved over to a wall covered in pictures. Lou, looking highly amused, pulls out a cigar, but before he can light Cher whirls on him.

Cher: No smoking! Wevv, who are these people?

Wevv: Hm? Oh, that’s Perry Farrell and I, right after the first Lallapallooza show in ’91. That was my senior Thesis for my business management class at Yale. You know Lou, I can understand wanting to give Cher the best, don’t want to get in trouble with the Women’s Rights groups and all that, but is it really necessary to give up my office?

Lou: She was quite upset after the Biggie incident. I figured you had most of your stuff still in boxes. Sorry Wevv, didn’t know you’d unpack that quickly.

Cher: Who are these people?

Wevv: That’s the investment group I put together for the 25th Anniversary of Woodstock festival in ’94.

Cher: You promoted concerts?

Wevv: Yes, and more. But that’s in the past. So Lou, I’m out of my office again. I can handle that. I’m a team player after all. I’ll take one for the team. But really, you couldn’t give me more notice? I mean, the contents of the bar are arriving today!

Lou: I’ll make sure they’re taken care of Wevv. Come on! Buck up Wevv! We’ll find a space for you!

Cher: Who’s this masked guy?

Wevv: That’s me. From when I debuted in New Japan as the “European Conqueror” in ’95. Lou. Louis. Listen. You need my help. Vil has gone ballistic over this Joey Hollywood, and Spectre business. Let me help Louis. Listen, I have a Plan that would-

Lou: I appreciate that Wevv, I really do. I’m sure Vil does as well, but you should be more concerned about Ham. I know a thing or two about that guy. He’s going to be pissed about that little stunt you pulled at the debate.

Wevv: Have no fear Louis, I have Plans for Ham. I have had them ready since the day Mr. Wang was attacked by that coward! He will get his. But Louis-

Lou: Wevv. Vil told you to butt out. He’ll take care of things, don’t worry. You just worry about what you have on your plate. I’ll think about what you’ve said. Now, I’m going to go smoke this. I’d stick around if I were you. Cher has some Plans of her own. Like what she’s going to do with your desk. Victorian, right?

Wevv: Why, yes! How did you know?

Lou: (Chuckling) Cher, you got everything under control?

Cher: Tell me what you think Lou, a fish tank, right….here!

''Wevv sputters as Cher points to his trophy case, which has replicas of his former titles and slots for two more. Lou smiles broadly.

Lou: I love it Cher. Great idea. See ya round Wevv. I wanna go smoke this.

''Lou leaves Wevv standing, and scowling, in his office, while Cher flutters about his former office. He winces at some of the more, colorful, suggestions. Cher finally finishes her initial appraisal and dragging Mr. Wang behind her, heads out the door, with a bright smile, and cheery wave for Wevv. As Mr. Wang passes, Wevv grabs his arm.

Wevv: You sent to the fruit basket to Pen, like I asked? With the little oranges? And the card with the thanks for helping V? Excellent. At least something is going right today. Once you’re finished making the arrangements for…that woman, meet me back here. I’ll need your help packing, apparently.