Recipe for Catastrophe

Recipe for Catastrophe was an e-wrestling promo written by Krimson Mask in June, 2008 for his first defense of the LPW World Heavyweight Championship in a match against The Rabbi at Insanity LIVE from Gainesville.

The promo scored a 4.18 aps in a winning effort.

Promo
    RECIPE FOR CATASTROPHE

 ''Dear Dieary,

 ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

 ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

 ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

 ''I can no longer do it! I can not hold back the tears anymore. The dam in my eyes have burst open and now are overflowing my face with flooding tears. I am drowning in a sea of emotion. HELP ME! I am so hurt right now. I was embarrassed and victimized by Bloodrose and Scarlet on the last Insanity show. I did not do anything wrong. Why did Scarlet have to chase me like she did? I hate running cause then you get all tired out and your heart starts beating like an overactive hammer. Plus, running makes me sweaty and I start raining perspiration from my head. So when that sweat gets in my eyes, my make-up starts to smear and it gets all messy and then I look unattractive. Not that Scarlet has to worry about being attractive over anything. That is probably why she was chasing me, she does not have to worry about looking pretty. All I know is that Scarlet is a cranky cheap dirty vampire whore that must have been menstruating.

 ''Anywho, so when I was running away from her, you would not believe what Bloodrose did. The big fanged meanie hit me in the mouth. He hit an innocent woman! Can you believe that? I remember a long long time ago when we first arrived in this world, he invited me and Krimmy to his Manor and gave the two of us a dessert to die for. Bloodrose and Scarlet were so nice to us, even the other two vampire ladies that were there at the time. I remember there names were Violet and Midnight. I thought we were all friends. But now, Bloodrose does not even care that he jacked me across the face and made me fall down the stairs. That really hurt. I felt like Jack and Jill when they fell down the hill when they went to fetch a pail of water. It was a good thing I did not break my crown like Jill did. But I did break a nail unfortunately. Its funny though. My broken nail was worth more than Scarlets value on the whore market. Some men must be really desperate to go with her prices. Heck, I only charge half of what she charges, plus I run special price cuts, if you know what I mean. As they say, its all good in the hood. Tee hee hee hee hee.

 ''But you know what the worst part was? Did you hear what Scarlet said to me? When I was at the announce table minding my own business, she came up to me and widened her ugly mouth with her daggering teeth outlined by some really bad cherry-red lipstick. Obviously, I thought I would say something observant. So I said “Oh Scarlet, what big teeth you have”. It was just an honest observation, nothing more. After all, she had some really big teeth and I thought I would say something. But then, do you know what she said? She said, “The better to eat you with my dear.” Oh dear! How dare she quote the Big Bad Wolf! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT PHRASE AGAIN, especially after what happened to me when I was a little girl. It brings back so many bad memories. Oh no! Here I go again! The tears are leaking through my face again. Oh no!

 ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

 ''I can still remember the moment that the Big Bad Wolf swallowed me and I saliva-slided down his esophagus and into his belly. It was so dark down there. Just when his digestive system was about to kick in and transform me and Grandmother into wolf poop, Krimmy snipped open his belly and rescued us. That was one happy ending. But then there was the second incident. The second incident was far worse. Right before we arrived in this world, we were traveling on the road through the Sherwood Forest. I went to chase a fish, but when I got back on the road, I saw there was a huge pack of Big Bad Wolves that had surrounded Krimmy and were plucking out his eyeballs and ripping out his tongue. I tried to get away, but the Wolves pounced on me and grinded their pointy teeth right in front of my face. I cried to Krimmy to rescue me, but he was too busy having his face mutilated by those horrible wretched animals. His last screams still ring in my head to this day. And then I remember the voice of that man. The man dressed in all black who had orchestrated the whole set-up. I saw his shoes, I saw his pants, I saw his chest, but I never could see his face. Next thing I remember was waking up in this world and seeing Krimmy having his eyelids and mouth sewn shut.

 ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

 ''I am so incredibly sick of Big Bad Wolves. If I was granted a wish from a magic genie in a bottle, I would wish that all the Big Bad Wolves in the entire world would be thrown into a giant oven, just like how the witch from Hansel and Gretel was thrown in a giant oven. Then I would turn the temperature all the way up so that giant flames would come shooting out. I want it to be so hot in there, that the Devil himself would get a sunburn if he took a vacation in there. So in this oven that is hotter than h, e, double hockey sticks, all the Big Bad Wolves would fry and burn where they eventually would meet their death. That is what I want to do to all the Big Bad Wolves in the world. I want them to die in blazing fire because they ruined my and Krimmys lives. And Bloodrose and Scarlet should be in that scorching oven too, cause they were mean to me last week.

 ''Talking about baking things, I just wish that I could be back home baking with Grandmother. I really miss her. Hopefully when we find the person who got us to this world, we will be able to force him to get us back home so I can be with her again. I remember every Sunday afternoon, after we got home from church, she would show me how to bake some of her delicious goodies. I could so go for some of her cookies right now, since I am soooooooooooooooooo hungry today. Walking in the forest all day will do that to a girl. Grandmother knows how to make the best cookies in the entire world. Well, our world anyway. She could make sugar cookies, peanut butter cookies, macadam cookies, chocolate chip cookies, double chocolate chip cookies, white chocolate chip cookies, double white chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip with white chocolate chip cookies, double chocolate chip with double white chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies, toffee dough cookies, harvest dough cookies, white chunk cranberry cookies, blue chunk blueberry cookies, shrimp cookies, fortune cookies, nut cookies, Christmas cookies, you name it, she could make it. She had me more spoiled than eight week old expired milk. But you know what? More than any cookie, Grandmother always knew how to make the best gingerbread men. I tried others, but nothing could ever beat Grandmothers recipe.

<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''I wish I could make some right now. I would get my recipe book and then start off with a cup of butter at room temperature, a cup of sugar, 2 eggs, 4 cups of flour, a teaspoon of vanilla, one and a quarter cups of salt, a teaspoon of ginger, 8 teaspoons of buttermilk, 4 teaspoons of cinnamon, and 3 cups of nutmeg. Grandmother would also include a secret ingredient in hers. It was a lot of white powdered stuff. But she never would tell me what it was. She said that was what made her gingerbread men better than anyone elses. She told me not to sniff it too much though.

<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''Anywho, after we had everything together, I would combine all the ingredients in a little bowl and start stirring. The dough would get really really really sticky. Then I would take the goopy batter and place it on the tray. I would cut the dough into shapes like they were little gooey people. I would place them in the oven and wait until they were nice and hard. I would not make the temperature as hot as the one I will reserve for the Wolves just so you know. In the meantime while the gingerbread men were cooking, I would tell Grandmother about all the exciting tales that me and Krimmy have had. I wish I could tell her about all the exciting adventures that we have had in this world. Anyway, after about 20 minutes, the timer would go off

<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''DING!

<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''And then I would know that the gingerbread men were done baking. Yay! I would finish them by decorating their faces with white icing for their eyes and eyebrows, red icing for their smiles, and then I would give them little purple gumdrops for their buttons. Here, let me draw them to show you what they would look like.



<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''I can just see them now looking way too happy. They would be so cute. They all would have these gay red smiles on their faces like they did not have a care in the world. Uh, I would not be able to stand the sight. I would grab a sharp pointy knife and look sweetly into their little icing eyeballs. I would take my knife and ever so slowly, grind the blade into one of their bloppy cookie arms. Tee hee hee hee hee. Then I would carve my pointy blade through its sugar infested legs and violently snap them off with my hands, amputating one leg at a time. How do you like that mister gingerbread man? Tee hee hee hee hee. It is just like what is gonna happen at Insanity this week when Krimmy takes on Rabbi for the World Heavyweight Championship. Krimmy is gonna take his large tree trunk arms and he is gonna rip apart Rabbis arms, disarming him from anything he can do in the ring. As soon as that is done, Krimmy is gonna tear his legs apart one by one. Try if you may, but You can not run away, now that you have no legs, mister rabbi. I will do it to you too mister gingerbread men. How do you like that. Tee hee hee hee hee.

<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''And Then for the last part, I would take my knife and slice off their necks causing them to snap off their entire teeny weeny bodies. Wow. It is just like how Krimmy has done to every opponent he has faced in Lords of Pain Wrestling. Tee hee hee hee hee. Their necks will crumble into a million itty bitty little pieces. I would start giggling hysterically at the deformed cookie corpses. Tee hee hee hee hee.



<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''But all of the gingerbread men would keep smiling with their little icing eyeballs and smiley grins. How could you all look so happy? You are supposed to be dead. Your body parts have been ripped away. You all are in a million pieces, just like what my brain looks like after what has happened to me and Krimmy after the incident with the Big Bad Wolves and the Stranger in the forest. Why will you not die gingerbread men? You do not want to live. How can you be so happy living in such a horrible world like this. There is nothing good here. If you stay alive, your lives will be ruined like mine. You will have packs of wolves come up to you and try to devour you like you were some kind of food. Take it from me, you do not want live like that. Let me end your miserable cookie lives now before it is too late.

<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''Wait. Am I seeing things? What are wrong with my eyes. You are not gingerbread men. You all look like little Rabbi-gingerbread men now. They are all smiling at me. Tee hee hee hee hee. Tee hee hee hee hee. I must be going KRAZY or else Grandmothers secret ingredient was cocaine! Tee hee hee hee hee. Lots and lots of cocaine. Why are all of you smiling at me like that? What is wrong with all of you? Do you not know how horrible your life will be if you stay alive. Life is not happy. You will all die for thinking life is merry. Tee hee hee hee hee. You do not know the horrors of this life. Stop smiling Rabbi-gingerbread men. All of you. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop smiling all of you. If you do not stop smiling, you will all experience Rabbi-gingerbread manicide. Tee hee hee hee hee. I will give you till the count of 5. Ready. 1. 2.  3.  4.  5.  Ready or not, here I come. Hey, wait a tick. All of you are still smiling. I warned you. You are making me very very very upset. I have had enough. You do not want to live here. I will take my knife and start stabbing all of you repeatedly in the face if you do not stop smiling. Stop it. Stop smiling. Stop it. That is it. You asked for it. Die Rabbi-gingerbread men. DIE! Tee hee hee hee hee. How do you like feeling your smirking heads being pierced off by my blade even more? Huh? How does that feel? What? Why are all of you still smiling? Your heads have been stabbed and cut off your bodies. So that is not good enough. You want more. Okay.

<span style="color:#; font-family: poornut"> ''I will eat all of your heads too. Yeah that is good. Yummy. Rabbi-gingerbread men heads are good to eat. Mmmmm. More. I want more delicious Rabbi-gingerbread men heads. I want to squish their faces and chew them with my teeth. Then I can swallow them as they slide down into my tummy. You will not be smiling in my tummy. No. You can not be. Tee hee hee hee hee. Where is some milk?